Just in time for summer vacation, I bring you Chapter Five: Schedules. I think the timing of this chapter couldn't be better. Summer is a shift in our lives, whether becuase school is our or simply because we are out (outside) more, gardening and exploring. And while the scheduled portion of our family's time looks much the same in summer as in winter, I believe we are the exception rather than the rule. Judging by the number of kids enrolled in sports and camps and summer school and other activities around here we are. What a perfect chapter to get centered and look at the coming season from a fresh perspective.
Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne
Chapter Five: Schedules
I am surely not the best person to be hosting this part of the conversation. My children's schedule are likely among the most mellow in the state. We have a few activities scheduled throughout each week, and our time is marked by rhythm rather than activities, by self-directed learning rather than events or entertainment.
So yes, I found myself nodding a great deal during this chapter because it was in line with what we've already done. Some baffling statistics from this unschooling mama were regarding the amount of homework the average school child has today, and the loss of free time. Payne notes that in the 80's, when I was a kid, the average unschedule time during waking hours was 40%. Today it has shrunken to 25%. That doesn't leave much room for childhood.
Payne addresses the importance of boredom. I was tickled to read this bit, since I have advocated for bordeom in my own kids for some time. (See bullet four here.) In truth, Sage, now nearing nine gets it. "Oooh! I'm bored. That's good… I wonder what I'm going to think of to do. It's gonna be good!" Really. We've had this conversation again and again. And he's right. It is good.
One piece I apprecaite the most was on balancing schedules. The "C"-calm days as a counterpoint to the "A"-active days. My highly-sensitive self insures this for my kids since we do everything together. We keep each day balanced, and each week balanced in the bigger picture. I need it, they need it, so we've unconsciously carved this balnce into our own rhythm.
Regarding the sports discussing, I found that whole section of the chapter bordering on disturbing. That children are "specializing" at a young age is downright creepy to me. Kids are here to play. For fun. Not to become a superstar. I was on the all-time losing softball team as a kid. And it was awesome. We never won a game. And we thought it was sort of funny. There were no shouting coaches or away games, no pressure to perform. Just some girls in blue and yellow t-shirts playing ball. While Lupine took ballet last season Sage has never been interested in sports of any kind, except those we play with friends in the backyard (normally involving some motorcycle helments and funny costumes). So again, we have dodged the scheduling bullet just by the natiure of our personalities.
What about you? Are your children scheduled into special activities throughout the year? How do you insure that their schedule is balanced and that they are feeding their souls with unscheduled free time?
Until this year my kids have only gone to Nature Camp which is at a local conservation trail here and it took place one week in summer for a week from 9-12 in the morning. This year they have attended swimming lessons for a half hour a week since January. Truth be told, we spend so much time swimming with them even in our cold climate they already knew how to swim. I see a lot of burn out from kids in my town, some attending 8 activities a week at the age of 4!
My girls (8 and 5) take swimming lessons and gymnastics. My older daughter also takes a great multi-media creative art class for for homeschooled girls. It’s an intimate class with a wonderful mentor that she adores. They both have also started taking some yoga classes for kids. And they both also take homeschool science classes at a local nature sanctuary. They love all these activities and look forward to them every week. On writing it out it sounds like a lot but as we homeschool and are quite unstructured the rest of the time there is a lot of free time and we ebb and flow with that. I love that they are interested in activities that are not competitive and are good for mind, body and spirit.
About ten years ago I was a nanny for some very overscheduled kids. They were three and five years old, and in addition to preschool or full-day summer camp, they took lessons in ice skating, tennis, piano, French, swimming, and theater. Yes, that meant they even took a class on Saturday. It was madness. One day the five year old asked me, “Why don’t we ever get to PLAY?” That was the moment when I knew I’d never do that to my kids. My daughter is five now. She loves exploring her interests by taking classes, but I only sign her up for one thing at a time.
My oldest is a mere 2.5 and since she was born I have felt a strange “pressure” to have a line up of activities for her. I’m sure some of that was self-inflicted, but in any event, it didn’t last long. It never felt right and we always have so much more fun (and my daughter is always happier, more creative and exploratory) when there is no pressure to get out of the door by a certain time. Instead, we make an effort to have a home-based rhythm of activities (baking, art, gardening, pizza-making), and this suits us much better.
That said, one of the things I like about “activities” is that it gets me out of the house and it provides opportunities for our kids (mostly the eldest) to play with other children, which she loves. I can be quite a homebody. I have found that the best way to balance this is with daily trips to the local park in the afternoon where we meet up with kids and parents and all enjoy being social for awhile…and burn off energy before dinner and bedtime.
Periodically, we have some scheduled activities.
My husband and I lead music classes and we attend “forest school” once a week, which is a cooperative waldorf-based play time in the woods. My rule though is that we only go when it feels right. I do think there is an important lesson in following through on commitments made to certain activities if the child asked to do the activity, but with toddlers this is not the case, so we take a relaxed approach. And besides, we should all be allowed to change our minds. The whole point is to have fun after all.
We used to frequent a play group a day and the library on days off. I thought it was the only way to survive the day, that we must get out of the house. Then I started reading the Simplicity Parenting blog and realized even that was too much. That we should relax into home, or close to it, that everything the kids needed at this young age was right here in our own backyard. I realize now that part of the problem was the playgroups were just a toy overload and the socialization I thought we needed it’s actually important for a 2 year old. That combined with some of the other tips and approaches has really made parenting so much more pleasant.
The sports stuff blew my mind too. I can’t tell you how many people have said things like “I can’t wait to have kids so I can put them in football”. So glad my husband isn’t on the sports bandwagon.
Though the entire book has been extremely beneficial, I found myself nodding along with this chapter in particular. Other than nursery school three mornings a week, my 4yo has one activity — fiddle lessons. And when I say “lessons” I mean: the kids play fiddles for a few minutes at a time and the lesson is broken up with songs, dances, and stories. Both he and my 2yo adore going every week. And then we’ll do some brief swim lessons this summer. And thats it. I’m surprised by the number of parents who have asked me if he will attend any camps this summer. Um, no. With a new baby arriving in a couple of weeks, I wanted to keep summer as open as possible for the beach, park, and enjoying my husbands much- deserved lengthy paternity leave.
And also, I have found that overscheduljng errands and activities is not only taxing on my children, but on me too. As a spend my days with a 2 and 4 yo, it is easy to fall into their natural rhythms, and I hate having too much on the plate in one day. When it simply can’t be avoided, I too make sure that the following day is a low key play day at home. For everyone’s sake 🙂
I love reading your Simplicity Parenting posts and this one in particular. Last month I went through the Simplicity Parenting Group Leader training and as an unschooling family the Schedule section was such a non issue for us. It’s just like you were saying about it being something you just naturally do. I’m looking forward to the other comments you recieve.
I am still reading this chapter but so far I love it. During the school year Helena takes ballet. In the summer, she and her brother take swimming for a few weeks. I try to keep things as low key as possible, but now they are starting to show more interest in different things like instruments. By the sheer volume of children we have, I think it is going to be a bit busier than I like. It is definitely hard to fight the tides and also tell how interestes the children are vs. whether they are just wanting to keep up with their friends. Regardless, I really want to keep the rhythm and predictability consistent. I am thinking as their interests grow, I’ll have calm days and active days. No matter how much they like certain activities, it’s worth the tight schedules.
I try to stay near home for many days or at least not be away from home all day.
I loved this post. I’ll be interested to see how things work out for other people too.
These sound awesome. It doesn’t sound like a lot to me. My kiddos like art too and I am wondering whether to add that to what they do already. I try to stagger their activities-not having much too often. It’s a challenge to balance their desires with needed down time. I know we are feeling better for it, but it is super easy to feel out of the loop in our time where kids are always doing lots of things. I love how you have things worked out.
I read a while back that Kim John Payne said recently, “the step between boredom and creativity is sibling torture.”
I feel like I see that here sometimes. Not torture, really, but “sibling irritation,” if that is a thing.
I wonder how to handle that. I think it is so beneficial for kids to have long open stretches of time to play and explore, and yet, we seem to have that little hurdle at times.
You know what is interesting, though, I almost never see that happen when we are outside (boredome or sibling irritation) … hmmm.
As far as scheduling, we keep it pretty light,but even so, there are times we HAVE TO pull back. And people don’t get it. “It’s just dinner,” we hear, or “everyone else is coming.”
I still struggle with how to articulate this well so as not to hurt feelings, but I am starting to realize that most of our culture is kind of stuck on a treadmill and a lot of people don’t realize it’s OK to jump off. :o)
When I reply that I am not going to an event/outing etc. I don’t give a reason unless I am asked for one. I don’t feel that I need to explain myself. It’s my decision and it doesn’t matter what others think. I understand where you are coming from. It happens to us alot. I NEED the down time, and my kids need the down time. So, when its been an extremely busy day or few days then we have a “do nothing day”. Its’ embarrassing to admit, but I used to think my sister and her husband were crazy. They would always say that they had to go or that they wouldn’t be able to go with us because the girls needed to decompress. I now get it!! But, I also think my BIL need to “decompress” as well. Let us all know if you come up with a great generic response when you are asked why you aren’t coming. I would be interested.
I love free play! However, my kids( I have 4)are interested in some sports. My rule is one activity per child per season. Of course there is some At this point two are only interested in participating in 2 activities a year. But, even with that we get busy for that short time period. I personally and selfishly would rather they not do any of it, it really does break up our daily rhythm. We homeschool so we do get together with other homeschoolers. While I would prefer to do unschooling, my husband would like to see more of a “school at home” learning environment so we compromise. His biggest issue is socialization!! I know, I know, but no matter what I tell him, a friend have had cousins that were homeschooled and they had difficulties socializing with others their age. Whatever…but that is why they do some activities, the other reason is because they have expressed interest. There is no high pressure sports here just recreational leagues. The neighbors to me seem to be highly overscheduled. We live in a area with quite a few kids, however it is difficult for my kids to get together with them as they are always gone to some extraciricular activity.
I babysit a little boy just a bit younger than my girl two days a week. I am so tired after it! They play beautifully but the “sibling irritation” sets in during the afternoon. WE too cure it with outside time. Thank goodness for puddles, rocks, and dirt!
Maybe the generic response could be, Oh I would like to come, but we have family time scheduled tonight.
My oldest two are in soccer two evenings a week until the end of July. My oldest will be starting piano lessons this summer. We will be taking part in the libraries summer reading program and the girls are excited about that starting. So we will have a lot of time this summer to just see what happens.
I’ve enjoyed reading other mamas comments about how they limit the activities their kids do and to know that I’m not the only one. I’ve done this naturally because it’s what feels right for me and my kids. I know I need calm days after having active ones so I just figure they do too. I really enjoy our down time, but sometimes I do feel a little guilty or feel like maybe I should do more for my kids when I’m talking with other moms and hearing what they are all doing, but I just know I don’t want that for my kids. I have a 6 y/0 and a 3 1/2 y/o and they both are doing swimming for 2 weeks this summer, because I feel it is so important for kids to learn to swim, they each are in a sport and day camp for a week this summer. To me this feels like enough. The one thing that I have a hard time with is all the “play dates” that so many parents seem to set up for their kids. For some reason I find it all kind of exhausting. I hardly schedule them compared with so many other parents that I know. Lucky for us we live in a neighborhood where there are other kids around and they can play, but my kids are outside a lot even when they have no one to play with. I have nieces and nephews who are constantly on the go, everyday at least one activity, one is an 8th grader and he has swimming 5 days a week for 2 1/2 hrs, plus soccer during the week. Sometimes it seems like parents feel the need to constantly entertain their kids. Some of my most memorable moments as a kid were just being outside and playing.
Today we stayed home after having a busy day yesterday and this morning my son said “I’m bored” and I just said “ok”and carried on with what I was doing.
Thanks for the great post Rachel.
We homeschool and have not found a good homeschool group to get together with so I do feel the need to have my seven year old in something as she loves being with kids her age occasionally and having a break from her 2 and 4 year old siblings(whom she loves, but she does seem to crave that social interaction with peers). I am considering brownies and preforming arts for next fall just for interaction. If she was in school I wouldnt feel any need to have extracurricular activities.
We homeschool but school doesn’t stop in the summer for us as learning happens year round so really, our schedules don’t change much. All that is a set thing we do each week is church Sunday and small group on Wednesday. A normal day for us would be wake up, breakfast, errands or play with Dad time before he leaves for work, lunch, Dad leaves for work, kids nap, kids up free play, dinner, baths, meerkat time on Mama and Dad’s bed (they like to pretend we are a meerkat family and the bed is our den 🙂 gratefulness time, prayer time, littlest to bed, then Ara (5) and I “do school” (through play, reading, and science projects), have Mama-Daughter talk time in her bed and then she goes down to sleep. That is pretty much every day’s schedule. We like it that way and the kids function better that way. The occasional day at Grandma’s, or field trip usually takes several days to recover from :).
I have to start by saying my children are VERY young 5,3,2, and 6 months. But we do very few activities that are “be here now!” types. I can’t handle the stress and neither can my kids. Our days are a bit of routine, a lot of rhythm and a lot of free time to play, do art, read books and create. I don’t feel like they are missing anything! Someday, if they get interested in sports, we might indulge a bit, but so far, swimming lessons seems to be as far as we’ve taken it. My five year old did a short stint of gymnastics and then we needed a break.
I think kids need to feel secure in their routines and rhythms. Scheduled to the hilt, they don’t need. Perhaps that a bold statement, but I really think it’s true. I haven’t heard “I’m bored” too terribly often because my kids are used to entertaining themselves.
It’s not the same for every family of course, but by their very nature, children need freedom to explore and be well, free. A bit of routine and rhythm to provide security and we’re good!
I think I struggle with this. With my boy’s autism, everyone immediately says he NEEDS social interaction with other kids his age. While I agree to some extent…the interaction needs to be in an environment that makes it positive. We used to go to a playgroup that was too loose and my son just bounced around toy to toy like a pinball without interacting with anyone. Then when we got home, it was meltdown after meltdown — stimulation was just too much for him. I love taking my boys to do things (Children’s Museum, for one) but it’s just SO MUCH…chaos…that it is hard to readjust to our home zen. When we’re at home, things are calm and my kids know what to expect.
Casey, we should pick a day that usually works for both of us and have an open park play date. Like 8:30am Orton Park every Wed for example, if one of us can’t make it or is late no big deal/no need to call it’s just a morning in the park either way.
The best thing I took from this chapter was the “c” days concept. Even though I had been trying to do it, it wasn’t a priority. I find life with my 6yo much easier now that I try and make it a priority. Though I can’t always provide a c day, I try and provide downtime in a series of busy days to help offset the craziness.
My older kids are in sports. We didn’t do team sports until they were 12+ because we didn’t want them to feel pressured so young.
My son is 7 and I have always respected his wishes to “just come home after school”. He’s a big player and with the exception of a little reading, has little homework pressure. Recently he has started playing ice hockey with 3 friends from school. His only scheduled activity this summer is ice hockey camp and each session a friend will be there, too. So, as he says, “it’s kinda like a play date”. I’ve been assembling an activity box and will likely prepare some ideas each week, but all in all, during summer we’ll go with the flow! We end summer with a holiday to France/Paris, so we will learn all we can through the summer.
There have been children who were smacked for saying that they were bored.
Adults can take it as an insult, an affront to their ability as providers.
So, what a wonderful take on boredom! — Something to embrace and wait with until bigger things come to mind.
What I loved about this chapter, and the book in general, is that it gives me permission to scale back and follow the rhythm that feels natural me. I know it sounds silly to need permission to parent the way I want, but in my extended family, lots of activities are onsidered a good thing. They feel that keeping your kids busy keeps them put of trouble later in life. And I know they think my poor child is missing out on all the fun of parties and vet together every weekend. But that just doesn’t feel right to me. I have a two year old, so sports and stuff really hasn’t come up yet. However, I always feel best about our after work and weekends when we have a nice balance of a little activity outside the house and then time at home to just be together and play. It’s nice for me to have a parenting book tell me its good to follow what feels best to me.
His section on boredom and siblings is priceless. I heard him speak about this subject and he mentioned that when his kids would start tormenting each other out of boredom he would separate them for 20 mins because of course, “the only thing worse than being bored is being bored by yourself”. I took this to heart and when they start fussing at each other I simply ask them to separate. At first they didn’t get it and thought I was enforcing some kind of time out for bickering. I told them that everyone needed breathing room and they could come back in a little while. Now I only have to say “Separate!” and they scamper. It really has helped diffuse the bickering and as he said, when the come back together they are ready to roll on an adventure.
I agree with you on many points. I love creating ‘activity’ times at home with art and pizza baking, gardening and whatnot. Wonderful. I’m completely intrigued with ‘Forest School’. I’ve never heard of this! I think your approach is a wonderful mix of socializing and downtime.
From birth, we’re told to put our children on a schedule – or at least be aware of patterns throughout the day. There are so many thoughts on what type of schedule is the best. Feeding schedules, sleep schedules, activity schedules. Just the scheduling is exhausting, nevermind the activities themselves! I’m thinking perhaps unscheduling may be the way to go.
My kiddos are only 3 and 1, but I can’t believe how many people assume they’re already in some sort of program – or soon will be. It’s expected that our children will just be put somewhere, rather than remain with their parents. And for kids that young, I bet any “classes” they take equate to playtime at home. I understand there are different situations, some parents may not have much of a choice, but I always feel bad when I see daycare signs that advertise admitting children as young as 6 weeks (or less). I firmly believe babies and young children need to be around their parents; they may survive just fine around other people, but I don’t believe they will learn and thrive and grow to the same extent.
I was so disappointed that I had to return the library copy of Simplicity Parenting since there was a hold on it, but I was able to read this chapter. I agree with what some of the other mamas have said, feeling like it gives us “permission” to say enough to the busy-ness, even though we still often feel like we need to be doing more! Especially if it’s “educational,” right? “Activity without downtime is ultimately unsustainable; excess ‘enrichment’ is not soaking in.” At young ages, kids just need to be kids and explore their worlds.
I bring my kiddos to storytime at the library every week, since we’re already there to get books/movies. There’s a playground right next door, which means even more interaction for them. We go to church every Sunday; the littlest one is in the nursery, and the older one has Sunday School. Even just running errands and getting outside, we interact with lots of people and get to enjoy many activities (especially when the weather is nice). I like that my children interact with people of all ages, since only being with their peer group creates an unrealistic environment.
Playdates are a good idea in theory, I suppose, but I’m not too crazy about them. Putting a bunch of kids together with a bunch of toys just equals a headache; you spend the whole time teaching them how to share and get along! It’s hard enough at your own home, nevermind trying to adapt to someone else’s rules. Then try to carry on a conversation at the same time! It’s exhausting for me, really. I do, however, enjoy getting together one-on-one with friends and their children for specific activities from time to time.
As your kids get older, I suppose trying to find the balance between activity and calm becomes more of a challenge. Right now, we have specific days when we do routine things (church, grocery store, library), and since I consider running errands “activities” for my kiddos, I try to limit how much I go out the rest of the week. We’re homebodies, but sometimes I feel the need to get out of the house or I’ll go crazy. We may go to the zoo or the beach when the weather is nice (which means a longer day), or head to the farmers’ market on the weekend. I notice that we usually need to “recover” from a long day, and the kiddos get really tired and fussy if I don’t make a point to slow down. ”Rest nurtures creativity, which nurtures activity. Activity nurtures rest, which sustains creativity.”
I, too, was somewhat disturbed reading the statistics on children involved in organized sports at younger and younger ages these days. Sure, it’s cute – but seriously? I played soccer for a number of years when I was younger, but even as I got older the focus was mainly about having fun and creating a sense of teamwork rather than being the best and winning the game.
One of the points made in this chapter, is that no matter how much your children may enjoy something or want to do it, it doesn’t mean it’s in his or her best interest to overschedule. I keep thinking how much my 3-year-old seems to enjoy structured social activities (Sunday School, storytime, kids’ Bible class at her grandmother’s church), but that doesn’t mean that more equals is better. I hope to homeschool my children, and sometimes I think, Why not put her in public school? She may enjoy it, and I won’t have to teach her. But then I remind myself of what’s better for her in the long run.
I loved the section on the importance of boredom, but I don’t think my kids are old enough to understand that concept yet (and come to think of it, I don’t think we ever say the word). There’s always something for them to do, and my daughter especially is very creative, good at playing by herself. “You can’t direct [deep play]; you can only leave time for it and trust that leisure and activity will nurture your child’s creativity.” I think sometimes when they’re tired or not feeling well, they don’t necessarily want to play with the things they have, but that’s another matter.
Some of our best days are spent outside in the front yard – the kids find cool rocks, dig holes in the dirt, draw with sidewalk chalk, and run after the guinea hens that come through our yard. We also have a blast when we go peach-picking, spend a day swimming at the beach, or pick our favorite animal at the zoo… but I think that’s because we make these once-in-a-while activities rather than every day occurrences.
Your kids sound younger than mine, but, mine also need a day or two to recover from a long day or field day.
Sounds like a fantastic idea. 🙂 The boys play so nicely together too!
My hubby and his siblings were all on swim team from age 5 or so onward. I can’t imagine having practice nearly every day and then meets pretty much every weekend — consuming your summers. Just doesn’t seem like fun to me. I spent my summers at the pool as well — but I was free to play and splash and get ice cream instead of swimming laps. 😉
I was in softball and soccer, however… I just don’t see organized sports being a part of my boys’ lives until they are old enough to want it. 10? 12? Let them decide their interests.
How did you enjoy the training? I am considering it at present. The book was so Important for me. I’m thinking it will be a great parent education class above anything. Have you started a group in your community?
I have been trying to simplify our routine lately. We do have busy days (visit Grandma, playdates, trip to the library, or errands.) We round it out with plenty of days at home playing in the backyard or at a nearby park. I really enjoy them, and sometimes feel out of place when I hear my friends talking about all the things they are doing for their kids, and that they want to make them more adjusted to other kids and ready for school. I figure there is plenty of time, when they get to school to be in a school environment. Why rush it?
Honestly, I love sitting in the backyard watching my son play, reading a good book enjoying nature. No pressure to be somewhere at a set time. I feel revived afterwards. I find my son’s behaviour is much better too, than after a Mom’s group gathering.
How does everyone handle the pressure from their peers (other parents) to enrole their kids in every program available?
I really enjoyed this book, and this chapter reflects what we’ve been trying to do. We are the ONLY family I know of (here) that just does a 1/2day preschool for our 4 yr old (& only 3 d/wk). We will do swim lessons 2 weeks this summer, and that’s it other than meeting up at the park with some friends. All our other parent friends sign them up for gymnastics, dancing, music, etc. Interestingly, it is the stay at home moms who choose the fewest “extracurricular” activities.
Ditto to those who have said that outdoor play time is the best. It is for me too (& my kids)!
My mother had three children and we all did a ton of activities. I was into gymnastics and spent a fair bit of my childhood at the gym. My mother never ceased to let us know how expensive it was, how draining it was to drive us, etc, etc. She worked full time, came home and made dinner, drove us to our myriad activities and then came home and cleaned the house. Did I neglect to say she worked on her Masters after we went to bed?
Now I am a parent. My mother and I have never been close. She never told me she loved me as a child growing up. There was no open space, no cooking in the kitchen, no cuddling on the couch reading books, no mom and daughter manicure parties. There was no connection.
Yes she drove me places and worked hard to feed and clothe us. It was her way to show her love. Emotional connection was difficult. She was often fond of Christmas (as grown ups she still keeps it up). Money was spent.
I want a closer connection with my daughter. I want her to stick around after she finishes school because she wants to, because she knows her family love her and want her around. I do not want to ferry my kids around. Living in the city it is very easy to do. There are so many activities to choose from.
As a Montessori Elementary teacher I see many children, mostly from China, having an activity (or even two) every single day after school. There is absolutely no time for childhood. Sometimes the kids come to school looking so exhausted. They are unmotivated and disinterested.
The experience I had as a child was as normal as I knew. Now as an adult I know what kids need. They need attachment. A ton of it.
I haven’t started a group yet. I really liked the training. It was an amazing experience.
If there is someone near you who is already leading a group I would HIGHLY recommend you attend that first. Actually, Davina Muse recommends that also. There was no one in my area for that to be an option. It was still really great.