We can't help but notice.
We see it all around us. The apparent perfection in other people's lives.
It hurst our eyes. And our hearts.
We see their pretty houses or expansive yards.
Their harmonious families, or the children we still ache to have.
We notice their tidy family rooms and their spotless floors.
Their marriages.
Their budgets.
Their parenting.
Their everything.
And we compare.
And we fall short.
Again.
Yes. I've done it too.
I remember an appointment I had a few weeks postpartum with my second child.
I was still wearing some maternity clothes because, well, they fit.
My shirt was milk- and spit-up stained, baggy, and worn. I think I was wearing yoga (read: pajama) pants and big, sloppy winter boots. (Size elevens.)
I
was greeted at my appointment by the smiling face of the most gorgeous,
together woman I think I had ever seen.
I still remember her tall leather boots, wool tights, and denim skirt. She was so fashionable it made my
teeth ache.
And I very nearly burst into tears.
Because suddenly I was not enough.
Enough "pretty." Enough "thin." Enough "together."
Enough to whom, I ask now, six years later?
To me.
Only to me.
And for that moment I ceased to see the beauty in my life, in my heart, and in myself.
I saw only what I was not doing "right".
I saw only my shadows.
And while I judged myself, I also judged her, secretly hating her for having it so together.
And we go on-line and it happens all over again.
On Pinterest, Facebook, the blogs we read.
Mixed with the love and appreciation we feel for the people we follow, we compare ourselves.
Because we see their apparent perfection.
And only our own flaws.
And we dislike them for having it together. And we dislike us for not.
We are inadequate.
We fall short.
Time and again.
(I've done it, too. I have.)
So I ask you this:
Does it serve you to compare?
Are you happier for it?
Does it make you a better person?
Does your heart soar when you compare or does it drag you under?
And what would happen if you stopped?
Would you see your own magic?
Could you see your life as beautiful?
Please.
Stop comparing.
Today.
Right now.
Know that everyone is blessed and everyone is flawed.
Stop searching for perfection in others and seeing only shortcomings in yourself.
You deserve so much more.
Because yes, you are imperfect.
And so am I.
And so is everyone.
You are also brilliantly you, shining a light like none other in all the world.
Only you can do that.
So instead of comparing yourself, simply be yourself.
With the wabi-sabi perfection of your every imperfection.
And then shine your light, sister.
Shine so bright.
As only you can do.
Love,
Rachel
P.S. You might also enjoy this post on why I share what I do on the blog (and omit what I do). An oldie-but-goodie.
thank you. i needed this today.
Amen! I just saw on FB an acquaintances (occasional) home made breakfast and all the accolades. I do this daily and my daughter wishes for cold cereal from a box. I started the day feeling wrong, again. Thanks for the reminder
Yes!!!!! Love this. Just might need to print this one out and hang it right on my fridge/mirror/everywhere! Why do we do this to ourselves? Great reminder. Thanks Rachel.
Beautiful. Thank you, Rachel.
yay! from a grounded midwest perspective… refreshing and timely. <3
This brought me to tears. Thank you.
beautiful. Thanks for this.
Oh yes…I know this green monster all too well. But, when I spin out of control, my husband reminds me to “play yo own game”. I don’t know much about athletics, but according to my husband, successful athletes (like a Michael Jordan) are great because they always focus on their own talents and challenges. Once they start comparing themselves to that player next to them they cease to be a uniquely gifted player because instead of capitalizing on what will make THEM great…they are trying to mimic the style of someone else. That never works.
So I remind myself to play my own game at work and at home. And I remind my children and friends when they need to hear it. It’s a simple yet profound truth.
Thank you for writing this post today…you reminded me to play my own game. 🙂
Even though I know these things to be true I needed to hear it once again. I am going through a time in my life where all I see is noise and it strips away from my creative process. I believe that information is good but too much becomes overwhelming for me. I am very much the introvert and enjoy my silence. I have been confused but it all and have now taken a vacation from most of social media. I found you through Ginny of Simple Things and wanted to tell what a breath of fresh air your space is for me.
I am so relieved to read this post. My husband and I have chosen a life/parenting/family path different than most of our friends. I second guess some of our choices and think maybe we have it wrong? I constantly have to remind myself “this is my life!” and not compare what we/I do with what others have chosen for their lives. so thanks again…I think I might print it too:)
Yay for Rachel and her brave voice! Keep on reminding us Rachel. I love your doses of reality mixed with compassion. I wish I could meet you in real life. 🙂
Rachel,
Thank you for sharing so candidly. I know better than to compare, in my head and in my heart….I know better. And yet, I sometimes find myself doing it. When I do, I stop and try to remember things like what you said above.
Thanks for the reminder to just be who we are and compare ourselves only to ourselves. 🙂
Thank you for this, Rachel. Thank you, thank you.
This is lovely, and so important.
Lately I find myself telling my three children to “stop keeping score” when they start assessing what the other one is getting and comparing it to their own portion (smoothie serving, time in the back row of the car, frozen strawberries, snuggle time with mom, you name it).
I think it is an important life lesson, clearly one we are never too old to learn!
Thanks Rachel. We all need this little reminder every now and then, especially in the age of blogs etc. Where the world of everyone else seems so perfect.
Have a great weekend!
YES!
A few weeks ago, I heard about a study of “Facebook envy” that said many (most?) people feel bad after looking at everyone’s supposed glittery lives, exotic travel, flat abs and so-forth. And that it was 1)kind of normal to feel like that and b) OK not to join the social media rat race. Although that too was a form of “comparing” myself to others, it made me feel a lot better and more serene and less guilty for feeling envious on occasion. And now I’m out of the social media rat race and loving it!!
Nicely said! We all know better but fall back sometimes. . .
How kind. Thank you, Alma.
Oh, yes. I’ve been there, too.
Thanks KC.
Amen!
Well done, Liza Jane!
Thank you Rachel…You are so right about this. I limited facebook and also drastically cut down on looking at other people’s blogs because I hated that feeling whenever I saw others living the “perfect” life that I didn;t have. Now I only try to read what I think is relevant to me and can gain some knowledge by reading. Thanks!
I hope one day I wake up and don’t need such reminding.
I am new to your blog, and was directed here by a friend I have met through Instagram, and I felt compelled to comment on this post. These words came to me today at just the right time. I have felt it, that jealous pull when you see someone who looks so perfect to the outside world. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the beauty and joy in other peoples lives, but I also want to see the “real” The struggles along with the beauty are what make this life so wonderful.
Ah yes. Judgement is such an obstacle to real authentic living. And who really has it all together? and what does that even mean? there is so much beauty to be had in the messiness. thanks for this.