I was laying in bed with my kids at dusk, settling them in for night.
The rain was softly falling on the roof above us, the birds still chattering in the trees below.
My mind was wandering as it always does at bedtime. And through the darkness and I was marveling and wondering at the path my life has taken in these past forty years.
How every choice I've ever made has led me here.
Every. One.
Each decision I ever made now links seamlessly to the one that came before and then to the one that came after.
Even choices that were hard. Or conflicted. Or scary. Or spontaneous.
Even if the decision ended with, "Oh. That was a bad idea."
Choices, choices, choices, choices, choices, choices – this life.
And in the half-darkness I wondered why I ended up here, doing what I do each day. I wondered at why I made each decision that led me down this path that I am. I wondered almost like I did as a child about what it would have been like if I had made different choices.
Not with heaviness. Just with innocent curiosity.
And then in the half-light of dusk I rolled over and opened my eyes.
And there beside me was the moon-face of my child in the shadowy darkness, eyes open and sparkling.
Smiling. At me.
Oh. This.
This is the answer to every choice I have made.
So that this soul could fly down from stardust and into my arms.
So that I could love this person – these people – so deep.
This is why.
Every. Single. Choice. They lead me here.
Oh, yes. Now I understand.
I feel like this. I look at these people I made and now I realize every choice was for them. Even before them. Even when they make me crazy.
I never dreamed of having children, of being a mother. I never thought a baby would be part of my life…much less three babies. Now every facet of my life centers on and is influenced by my kids and family. I often shake my head in wonder at those “best laid plans” of mine…
I just love this style of writing you’re doing….
This is so timely for me. I have been thinking a lot about my “old life” and my new life and everything in between. Thank you.
Oh I loved this- so good! In quiet moments I have been know to travel backwards in my mind and marvel at how everything linked together to get me here- it’s like it was meant to be;)
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful moment. It gave me goosebumps and brought me to tears….in a good way.
Aww so sweet Rachel! Thanks.
Fantastic.
me too!
I used to call my Rachel “Moon Face” when she was an infant. We had a little blue night light that made her sweet, round face glow. *sigh*
beautiful…
Beautiful, thank you!
This is beautiful, you brought tears of joy to my eyes. It’s like you peer right into my heart and turn all the jumbled up emotions into poetry.
Thank you!
Beautiful.
Gave me goosebumps <3
I just found your blog. This post made me tear up with joy. As a first-time mother in a very transition part of life with my husband, I (we) have a lot of stress right now. But just as you said, it all comes down to those moments when I look over at my son and his beautiful, loving face is smiling at me. Our children are such precious gifts. I look forward to enjoying more of your blog!