I was laying in bed with my kids at dusk, settling them in for night.
The rain was softly falling on the roof above us, the birds still chattering in the trees below.
My mind was wandering as it always does at bedtime. And through the darkness and I was marveling and wondering at the path my life has taken in these past forty years.
How every choice I've ever made has led me here.
Each decision I ever made now links seamlessly to the one that came before and then to the one that came after.
Even choices that were hard. Or conflicted. Or scary. Or spontaneous.
Even if the decision ended with, "Oh. That was a bad idea."
Choices, choices, choices, choices, choices, choices – this life.
And in the half-darkness I wondered why I ended up here, doing what I do each day. I wondered at why I made each decision that led me down this path that I am. I wondered almost like I did as a child about what it would have been like if I had made different choices.
Not with heaviness. Just with innocent curiosity.
And then in the half-light of dusk I rolled over and opened my eyes.
And there beside me was the moon-face of my child in the shadowy darkness, eyes open and sparkling.
Smiling. At me.
This is the answer to every choice I have made.
So that this soul could fly down from stardust and into my arms.
So that I could love this person – these people – so deep.
This is why.
Every. Single. Choice. They lead me here.
Oh, yes. Now I understand.