Sometimes you wonder.
After the hard days.
When you were not at your best.
You wonder, in secret, where no one will hear.
Am I mother enough?
Because you see them around you. Those other mothers. In your town and on your screen.
They parent with grace and with joy.
In the flow. Harmonious.
Children smiling and holding hands,
while your kids whine and fight.
And your baby cries.
And you question if you even know what you're doing.
Because if you did, the children wouldn't argue.
And the baby wouldn't cry.
So you must be doing it wrong.
Of course you're doing it wrong.
And so you wonder.
And you doubt.
Am I wearing her enough?
Am I breastfeeding enough?
Should we co-sleep more?
But sometimes you're all touched out.
Am I patient enough?
But sometimes you just need a damn break from it all.
Am I good enough?
Am I strong enough?
Am I enough?
And then, probably, you decide that you are not.
Because sometimes you yell.
You say words you regret.
Because you didn't babywear or breastfeed or co-sleep at all.
Because sometimes dinner comes from the drive-thru.
And they watch too much TV.
Because sometimes the thoughts in your head are dark and shameful.
Because every day ends with regret.
And all around you are those mamas who make you feel inadequate without even trying.
Those mothers with stardust in their eyes.
And when you look at them you measure yourself and you know what you suspected all along.
You are not enough.
Sometimes you curse this life you made and all the smallness that surrounds you.
But mostly you curse yourself for your shortcomings.
And then the baby cries.
Or your children set to arguing.
And you know you're right.
Of course you're right.
You're not enough.
Oh, but sister. Hear me when I say:
You are good enough.
You are loving enough.
You are mother enough.
You are brilliantly, beautifully – yes! – the mama your children came here to find.
No, you aren't perfect.
But none of us are.
No one has it all dialed in.
We have all made mistakes.
Even the "Dali Mamas" around you.
This I know is true.
And every day you are learning and growing and evolving.
You are becoming.
And you are their mama.
The one they came here for.
And for all of your flaws, they are sheltered by you.
They know love because your love is fierce.
And they learn to get up when they fall and try again by watching you.
And best of all, they know they don't have to be perfect to be enough.
What a gift that is.
And also know this:
As that mama who seems to have it together, I have never been more humbled in my mothering than when I see you keep your head just above water as the rapids around you churn.
Yes, mama. I see you.
And I'm humbled.
Now it's time to see yourself.
So are you enough?
Heck yes you are.
: : :
There is no label for what you do.
Ten ways to rock your parenting, where ever you are.
What I did not know: reflections on motherhood.
And you can find more of my reflections on motherhood and imperfection here.
: : :
Originally published in 2013
8 thoughts on “Are you mother enough?”
So good. Thanks.
I just had a discussion with another mom about this very thing in the VFC produce section this morning–I wish I had looked at your post before then–instead of commiserating, I would have been able to prop her up and myself as well. Thanks, Rachel! It seems like you always post just the right thing at just the right time! Hopefully, I will see you at the home school potluck soon! I know Margaret really misses Lupine!
It’s always comforting to read you Rachel… Sometimes we are feeling that way for many reasons… we hold on to our children’s beauty and finaly find ours.(I am trying to use my best english)
Those were just the words I needed today!
We’d love to see you and your family, Julie. We’re hosting the next potluck so feel free to come by!
Beautifully said, Claudia. Thank you!
Tears. Nearly every post brings me to tears, Rachel. Thank you for writing and for sharing your beautiful momma wisdom. This part in particular got me today:
“And you are their mama.
The one they came here for.”
Last night, just before falling asleep, my four-year-old son said, “Momma, I fell in love with you right away when I was born.”
My heart opened wide and I forgave myself (and my dear boy) for all of the imperfections of the day. It’s so very clear that we are here for each other. <3
I always love this one. Thank you for posting it again.