"About reading, children learn something much more difficult than reading without instruction – namely, to speak and understand their native language. I do not think they would or could learn it if they were instructed. I think reading instruction is the enemy of reading. " ~ John Holt
The only ultimatum I ever remember issuing to my mom was about homeschooling.
It was last year. She was concerned that Sage, then 7 1/2, could not yet read. Yes, he could read a little but he couldn't read like kids learn to do so young in public school, her baseline for when certain things should happen developmentally.
This worry had been coming up again and again for her since Sage reached "school age". She feared that if he did not learn to read – and soon – that the door would close on him ever becoming a passionate reader. She felt that at 7 1/2 he was late.
I did not share her concerns.
Because I – like most unschoolers – believe that given a nurturing environment, all children will learn to read at their own pace. In their own time. I also believe that the optimum time to learn to read is much, much later than the public school system would have you believe. And at 7 1/2 Sage has just entered the realm of reading.
If we are there for them to read to them and provide inspiration and guidance (and we shake off our worry and trust their journey) they will learn. We didn't teach our children to walk. We didn't teach our children to talk. We simply stood by them and watched in amazement as they learned on their own, when they were ready.
I handed my mom a couple of John Holt books and urged her to pick up a copy of Better Late Than Early. I urged her to do some reading herself so that we were at least speaking the same language and then we could have a meaningful conversation about her concerns – if any remained. I told her she didn't have to agree with me, but we had to at least be on the same page of understanding.
The ultimatum was this: Educate yourself or never bring this up again. We are not operating from a place of mutual understanding because we are believing in completely different realities. I perceived a door as just opening that she believed had already begun to close.
She took the books and we changed the subject. It never came up again.
Fast forward one year. Sage taught himself to read. At 8 1/2 years old he started reading with passion and gusto and (gasp!) no lessons, curriculum, or interference by me. He has friends who are 10 and not truly reading yet and others who at 6 were reading and writing passionately (self-learned). Yes, we can teach them to read before they are ready but that defies logical and good common sense. It defies the entire point of education.
Pete and I have caused a stir by breaking the mold of our western culture with many decisions in the past decade or so. We're making up our own story and in many ways it doesn't at all resemble the experiences that we grew up with (some parts do, as my mom broke the mold herself in the 1970's by breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and her passion for natural, unprocessed foods).
My mother and I have a truly wonderful relationship. I consider her a friend and she has acknowledged that I come up with a lot of "hair-brained ideas" that turn out to be healthy/safe/or otherwise wonderful upon further research. The list of "Rachel's-seemingly-crazy-but-actually-wonderful ideas" includes homebirth, elimination-communication, extended breastfeeding, cosleeping, intact boys (non-circumcision), delaying solid foods, natural immunity (non-vaccination), naturopathic medicine, homeopathy, and unschooling. I'm sure there will be plenty more to add to our list soon, but that's about how far we've come thus far. Child-lead reading is being added to her list at this moment.
And as I look over this list they really all come down to the same thing: trust in a simple and natural way of doing things, and freedom from fear. I believe in my body, my kids, the nourishment or real food. I am not afraid of things going terribly awry if I don't get in the way of it somehow. I know that it is all unfolding perfectly.
I trusted Sage to make this leap when he was ready. And he did. I'm grateful every day that I didn't get in the way of this beautiful, gentle, natural journey. And now – quite literally – a new chapter begins. Because he was ready.
My husband and I are both public school teachers. We believe that children learn at their own natural pace. So we have not pushed our daughters to read, believing that they will develop a desire to do it on their own. Some friends of ours had out letter flashcards at one, taught their 2 year olds how to write the alphabet and asked if we were concerned that our daughter was not interested in formal writing at age 3 (!) Instead we spend a lot of time playing, exploring and reading to our girls. The desire to read came naturally and our eldest has now begun reading, without any pressure from us. Little children are being pushed so hard to grow up quickly. Good for you for sticking with what you believe in and letting your kids be kids.
Wow. Your approach is beautiful.
Loved reading this – thanks for sharing it on Simple Homeschool!
Jamie
Rachel, I’m struggling with this myself at the moment. I have a niece that is 5 and in public school and she is already reading. My son is 4 and I keep struggling with myself to not push him. He’s not interested, but it’s so hard to not hold yourself to another’s time table. Thanks for the reminder!
My son is interested in reading already, at age of 4, I don’t push him but answer his questions, but he does not like to draw, and it makes me nervous at times, sometimes I try to encourage him, but sometimes if feels like pushing, so I’ll try to keep calm and let him be ready.
Thanks for sharing.
I went through this a couple years ago as my Waldorf educated daughter was in 2nd and couldn’t read yet. My family spoke their concerns (criticism?) constantly not only to me but to my daughter. I ignored them and secretly thought maybe she wouldn’t learn to read? But after talking to her teacher and reading lots of books I decided to trust her and stick to the process. Now at 10 she is an avid reader and now that my second daughter is getting ready for 1st grade I won’t be holding my breath as much. Besides there is a lot of stuff out there that I don’t want my 5 year old reading, let alone my 10 year old.
Thanks for sharing. I am struggling with this as well. My son’s friends (who are in school) can write their names and draw simple pictures, but my son is not interested. I keep feeling like I want to push him — sit down at the table and encourage him to start writing.
I am encouraged by your example, and I am going to work harder at letting those expectations go.
Reading progress was the tipping point that got us into homeschooling. My daughter was progressing in learning to read but not fast enough for the school. We brought her home and let it be, no pressure to read just a very literature rich environment. Books, magazines, reading aloud, some computer time, comics, and lots of books on tape. Everything eventually clicked somewhere around 8 or 8 1/2 years old. Wish I could say it was something I did but she eventually learned on her own when she was ready.
She’s 11 now and reads voraciously and I know that wouldn’t have been the case if we’d battled over it. She reads a range of things now including infant development books just for fun.
I can’t find an article I read a few years ago about education in scandinavian countries- formal schooling doesn’t start until age 7. Learning to read starts later if I remember correctly.
It is hard to buck trends especially in the climate of conformity that seems so prevalent right now. Good luck in your journey of trusting yourself and your kids. Be true to yourself and things should work out!
As a librarian, I am thrilled by your supportive approach to learning to read. It’s difficutl to watch young children’s stress levels spike when reading is presented as a chore rather than a pleasure. Lovely!
Having five children I have watched them learn to read at four all the way to nine. I love the no pressure approach; realizing that when they are ready children will read. I wish society would learn that being a certain age doesn’t automatically mean one is ready to read. My 13 year old, who didn’t learn to read until 9, just finished reading all of the books I had listed for high school!
As I’ve researched homeschool methods in the hope of doing so with my own children (now 3 and 1), unschooling seems the most natural and exciting to me. Whereas I was homeschooled for a few years and my sister-in-law currently homeschools her brood of six boys, I do wonder what kind of criticism I may be up against for taking such a non-traditional approach. I feel I’d forever defending my choice – especially if one of my children is a later-bloomer in a certain area. Despite feeling I know what’s best for my children, my family, this is just one of many fears I have. Another – how will I have the PATIENCE to deal with them all the time??
Great story. I learned to read when I was 10 without instruction. =) I really can’t imagine teaching my kids (now 3 and 1) to read. I have no doubt that they will learn, just as they are learning to speak.
Rachel – thank you so much for this post – I needed this today! I’ve been in education for 15 years now, and have been wittling my days down to the point where I’m not really working at all since I’ve had kids – all in the hope that I have the opportunity to be at home and follow a different path with my own children. I’ve learned a lot of things in my journey from country-school multi-grade classroom, to public school assessment-crazed 4th grade, to professional development consultant . . . and the biggest ‘aha’ moment I’ve had is that there is no ‘right’ way to educate children. There are plenty of wrong ways – Lord, have I been witness! I felt, even before my own children were born, that life has so much more to offer than mainstream society even knows and I’ve done my best to follow the tug of my heart. Your “hair-brained ideas” list very much looks like mine but I so often feel like our family’s beliefs make us stick out like a sore thumb in our small community. So thank you for sharing your story of following your heart and responding to your children’s unique needs. There is just so much goodness when we are truly receptive to other humans and their needs. Thank you for the opportunity to ‘air myself out’! Have a blessed weekend . . . and Sage, congratulations! Reading is a passport to a whole new world for you – way to go, kiddo!
Nannergirl,
It is so true. 4K (here in Wisconsin) is academic. Four year olds! It scares me frankly. Your daughter is blessed with your attention and approach!
~ Rachel
Nahuatl,
What a wonderful example of their unique spirits. My sister, too, was reading very young – on her own. You can inspire him to make more art by doing it yourself. Gather art supplies and quietly sit and begin to work. He will join you.
Blessings,
Rachel
Adrienne,
This, I believe, is our constant meditation as parents. Someone elses journey is not our own. It is wholly irrelevant what anyone else (or anyone elses child) is doing. Your child will write their own story.
So many blessings,
Rachel
Melissa,
I agree about there being much we dont want our kids to read. I felt so blessed by Sages not reading at times. Do you think you family will pressure your second child like they did your first? To me their talking to her about it seems so disrespectful (and potentially painful) for your daughter.
Blessings,
Rachel
Stacey,
Kims comment below is a good one to read. There was a study done in a European country where the later they started reading (letters even) the higher the literacy rate. Dont push and he will blossom.
All the best,
Rachel
Kim,
Thank you so much for mentioning this. I searched everywhere for the article you refer to when I was writing the post and couldnt find it either, but it really stuck with me. As for your daughter, I think it is wonderful that you cant say that it was something you did. Because that is the point, isnt it? That they can do it without your teaching them.
Blessings!
Rachel
Tracey,
What wonderful examples of the breadth of normal when it comes to reading!
~ Rachel
Karlitacat,
Homeschooling is not for everyone, and neither is unschooling. But when it is a good fit it is magical. I am fortunate that our extended family consists of my (supportive) sister, my (questioning yet ultimately supportive) mom, and my (quiet and surely skeptical but not going to bring it up) dad. And the questioning is rare. I always go back to the best advice that I received as a parent when a friend said You only need to answer to your children. Not your husband, your neighbor, your mom. Only your child. And lovingly telling your family that you have always made good, safe, healthy choices for your children is a good place to start. It is your turn to call the shots. They had their chance to do so with you – now it is your turn.
Best,
Rachel
Michelle,
Awesome. Were you homeschooled then I presume? I am always thrilled to connect to adults who were raised in parallel to how I am raising my own. And your kids are so blessed. You are filled with trust and love.
Peace,
Rachel
Roxy,
I am always amazed by those in public education are inspired to find a different way for their own kids. Testing was a huge issue for me in deciding to homeschool, but even here in Waldorf-school land, I believe that home is better for my kids than school. If we had to school Id be all about our local Waldorf school. (They even have a multi-grade class). And yes, there is not a single right answer.
As for sticking out like a sore thumb, delight in it. You are on the path of our evolution. As a friend said to me once Wave your freak flag high! 🙂
Peace,
Rachel
Rachel,
Yes, I was unschooled until I was 10 and then went to public school, then formal home school, then public school, then college instead of last year of high school, then 4-year university.
That’s a great post 🙂
I think that kids are “mature” enough to read somewhere between the age of 4 and… say.. 10?
And they will get to it. in their time.
BUT sometimes kids have a real difficulty.
It can be in any field (physical, intellectual etc.) Our job as their parents is to watch, see, observe, trust them that they know what is good for them but still be there to see if it is taking too long.
If your baby doesn’t walk when he is 20 months old, you will probably check it. If your 4 yo doesn’t play with other kids you need to check it (he might be too busy with reading 😉 or it can point a real problem).
Same with reading. I let them be, let them do it when it’s time but I keep my eyes open.
As for grandmas’ worries – my first born was an unschooling role model. Meaning she is very smart, started reading very very early, interested in science, speaking in high language because all the books she reads etc. People admire intellect. So grandparents concluded that we probably do something right. 🙂
(Lucky us…)
Got to ask you something:
Why did you mention non-circumcision as one of your “crazy ideas”? is circumcision so common where you live that not doing it makes you special?
A wonderful post! I was so upset last year when my son’s teacher told me he was reading slightly below “level.” My son (who was 6 at the time) *loved* reading but did not read aloud with the fluency they desired. I was encouraged to “push” him a little — but I refused. Every morning he picked up the comics page from the newspaper and we just had fun. I learned to read while looking at the comics page with my father… good enough for me… good enough for my son!)
How wonderful to have children who love to read!!!
I agree with much of what you said, Naama. As with any skill, it develops assuming your child is (as most are) functioning normally. As for circumcision, when Sage was born the stats in Wisconsin were that 80 – 90% of boys were circumcised. I didnt know anyone who had an uncircumcised child until after Sage was born and I met my tribe of like-minded mamas.
Peace,
Rachel
On Fri, Feb 18, 2011 at 11:54 PM, TypePad typepad@sixapart.com wrote:
A new comment from “Naama” was received on the post “Unschooling: Learning to Read.” of the blog “Clean.”.
Comment:
Thats a great post 🙂
I think that kids are mature enough to read somewhere between the age of 4 and… say.. 10?
And they will get to it. in their time.
BUT sometimes kids have a real difficulty.
It can be in any field (physical, intellectual etc.) Our job as their parents is to watch, see, observe, trust them that they know what is good for them but still be there to see if it is taking too long.
If your baby doesnt walk when he is 20 months old, you will probably check it. If your 4 yo doesnt play with other kids you need to check it (he might be too busy with reading 😉 or it can point a real problem).
Same with reading. I let them be, let them do it when its time but I keep my eyes open.
As for grandmas worries – my first born was an unschooling role model. Meaning she is very smart, started reading very very early, interested in science, speaking in high language because all the books she reads etc. People admire intellect. So grandparents concluded that we probably do something right. 🙂
(Lucky us…)
Got to ask you something:
Why did you mention non-circumcision as one of your crazy ideas? is circumcision so common where you live that not doing it makes you special?
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Good for you, Peggy. It is so vital that we honor their rhythm.
~ Rachel
On Sat, Feb 19, 2011 at 11:38 AM, TypePad typepad@sixapart.com wrote:
A new comment from “Peggy” was received on the post “Unschooling: Learning to Read.” of the blog “Clean.”.
Comment:
A wonderful post! I was so upset last year when my sons teacher told me he was reading slightly below level. My son (who was 6 at the time) *loved* reading but did not read aloud with the fluency they desired. I was encouraged to push him a little — but I refused. Every morning he picked up the comics page from the newspaper and we just had fun. I learned to read while looking at the comics page with my father… good enough for me… good enough for my son!)
How wonderful to have children who love to read!!!
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I’m always amazed at how kids just learn. It is just such a part of who they are and how they interact with the world. They are, naturally, inclined to learn new things and skills. Amazing, really.
Just yesterday I watched as my son (two next week) took the basket of clothespins and proceeded to sort them. Wood ones together. Dark blue together. Light blue together. I’ve never taught him to sort. Never encouraged him. He was ready. He was interested. He did it. A proud moment for mama, indeed.
Well said, Borninjp. They do learn at their own pace everything they need.
Best,
Rachel
My oldest son is 4 and has been able to read since just before he was 3.5 years old. When I saw that he *could* read I spent a week thinking I would teach him…even though he learned in the first place without me (duh, mom)… It totally stressed him out so I stopped. He is still learning, and I still don’t know how. I usually don’t even know how much he knows because he doesn’t like to be asked. He’ll just come up and read something for me sometime and I scrape my jaw off the floor and smile at him. At this point, a reading “lesson” consists of me pointing to the letters “sh” in the word shoe and saying, “s and h together say ‘shhhhh’ and then I shut up and keep reading to him. I know there are plenty of people, including those in our family who think that since he is showing readiness that I should be teaching him or at least “making” him read to me so I know what he knows, but for now this is working for us. 🙂
Although I am doing some reading lessons with my 6.5 year old, I follow her lead and often back off for weeks at a time if she shows any frustration.
We actually just sat down and read a short story in a reader together right before I read this, and I was amazed — again — at how much better she reads after one of our breaks.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be an unschooler (like most things, I’m too much of an unschooler for about half of my friends and too rigid for the other half…), it always inspires me to see how much my children learn when they are left to discover it on their own!
Jamey,
I love your reflection on realizing he had already begun to learn without your lead. What a blessed little boy to have a mama that gives him such space to grow!
~ Rachel
Mandi,
Thank you for sharing your journey. They (and we) each write their own story…
Peace,
Rachel
i have the same list if ‘crazy’ idea as you- love it!
(well, we’re not homeschooling this year but it’s complicated…)
This is a very interesting article. I do not have children (yet) but I am a preschool teacher and while I have not seen unschooling practiced around me it seems like a great philosophy. I am reading more and more about unschooling and while I had an entirely formal education there is something that just seems right about unschooling. Even being trained in formal education this is really rocking my boat so thanks for the wisdom.
Question:
Specifically how did Sage start to show an interest in reading to where you knew he was advancing? Did he just pick up books or did he ask questions? Maybe he did something different entirely. I’m very interested.
Hello Mrs. Phillips,
Unschooling as a method was first explored by John Holt, a formally trained classroom teacher with no children of his own. He observed children in and out of a classroom setting and discovered where the real learning was actually taking place. Im glad your boat is rocked! Even bringing a bit of this awareness into a formal setting can be transformational.
How did Sage show an interest in reading? He would ask us questions; read signs; intuitively spell words. He had a knowledge that a word with an E on the end made the sound of the vowel before it and had known his letters for years. We make a point of reading together every day and I would sometimes read slowly to give him an opportunity to read as well. And yes, there were many questions. But he went from not truly reading to voracious in a matter of days. I hope this answers your questions!
All the best,
Rachel
Just found your blog that was linked from another … to your decluttering post. I just tonight filled up 3 LARGE garbage bags with stuff. Just stuff here and there.
DH and I want to go room by room just as your friend and you did. We have hauled off van loads before and yet there is still so much … stuff.
I love this post too. I have been told about this book, Better Late Than Early by another HS mom and now your rec. I am going to get it! I have two 5YOs and I don’t want to push them. Both of our bio sons were pushed in PS (yes, we sent them; now wish we could go back but we can’t) to read and both didn’t really read until age 7 (even with all of the pushing and even tears with the HOMEWORK in K and 1st grade).
Anyway, I would love to link to your blog on my blog’s sidebar. I don’t use the readers and use my blog list to remember the blogs I want to read regularly. Thanks for such insightful posts.
I am happy that you found your way here, Leslie. With regard to your biological boys – sometimes the contrast is what helps us live closer to our truth in the present. Their journey through PS was likely a blessing for the children in your home now!
Thank you for the link from your site.
Peace,
Rachel
Wow! This sounds so much like my mom and me. We’re incredibly blessed to have such strong, loving women in our lives.
Hi Rachel – we met at Sydie Hollow in Viroqua, I came late with my kids…can I quote you on your response to Adrienne? These are powerful words to live by, not just for the homeschool experience, but for anyone feeling the pressure to conform. My mother-in-law constantly undermines my authority as a homeschool parent, no, as a parent, period. And my mother, not understanding why the change in our approach to education, almost had a breakdown because my 9 year old son was not reading fluently…she was speechless when I showed her his lengthy and impeccable transcription projects. Your comment is an encouraging reminder…it’s just a shame that the majority of people gauge their sense of success, or what’s worthwhile, or meaningful, against others’ values and what they are doing, instead of looking to God and the beautiful purpose He has in the telling of our own individual stories…
hmm.. i think i just might get some sleep tonight, thanks to your post! I at least got the backing off part right, so far. But then I just worried my head off he’ll fall behind or never catch up. What a learning experience it’s been, and it’s just the beginning for us.
Needing to hear these specific words today, this week, this year. Thank you.