As I type, this is what I can hear from the bedroom (To the tune of My Fair Lady):

"Grab the covers and pull them up,

pull them up,

pull them up!

Grab the covers and pull them up,

puuuuu-uuuuuu-uuuuul them!"

My kids giggling and singing and pretending to argue while they make the beds. They are absolutely collapsing in the giggles while they do their chores.

I know. It isn't normal. But I've never been a big fan of normal. And singing/giggling/play fighting while doing chores? I'm game. Because life after all is supposed to be fun.

Oh, yes. It's been a transformational few days.

Last week I shared with you my desire to raise my children in a way that did not result in entitlement. I want them to participate in the day-to-day running of our home rather that waiting to be served. However (and here is the kicker) I want to do this using only peaceful parenting strategies. My exact words were:

"We are going to create a home where everyone pulls their weight, but does so out of their desire to cooperate and participate. We will do it with peaceful parenting strategies – not power-over strategies, punishments, or rewards."

And so we got started.

Before I share with you the path we're on now (I'll save that for a later post since this will get long if I add it now) here are some highlights from the last few days (aside from all the singing).

* We did a deep cleaning of our entire house – together – and I don't remember hearing a single complaint.

* Sage learned how to mow the lawn properly and worked for hours by Pete's side and alone to complete the job. Every time I caught his eye he absolutely beamed.

* The kids and I canned a huge batch of applesauce. Enjoying some later in the day Sage reported that it was satisfying to watch the jars stack up and that the sauce tasted better for having done the work.

Yes. My kids have been participating. Joyfully or at the very least cooperatively. For hours on end.

And no one is forcing them or bribing them or guilt-tripping them. They just get it. They want to help out. 

While it hasn't been seamless, the struggles that we've faced have been some of the best lessons out there.

The first lesson came up after we determined our shared goal. It was when I started using the word "chores". Sage groaned. "Chores are boring. I hate chores!"

But we were going to make applesauce.

"That's not a chore. That's fun."

Right? Why can't chores be fun, I wondered?

So I looked up the definition.

chores

plural of chore (Noun)

1. A routine task, esp. a household one.

2. An unpleasant but necessary task.

And Sage and I realized that I was using definition 1. and he was hearing definition 2.

So now we don't call them chores lest he gets jammed up at the idea of them being unpleasant.

Sometimes all it takes is a little listening. Sometimes it's the little things.

We hit a bump on day one that turned out to be just what we needed to start us in the right direction. Sage was feeling the shift away from endless free time and into more participation.

He (very politely) complained about it. "Mama, I don't really feel like I have any free time anymore."

So he and I came up with a plan. We each made a chart. We divided our activities into three categories: chores, free-time, and work/homeschooling. Then we kept track of how we spent our time throughout the day.

At lunch time we totaled up each column and compared our charts. Sage was both amazed by how his own days balanced out and also by how little free time I took that day.

I didn't say a word. He looked it over, noted the surprises, and tossed the charts. He hasn't brought it up since. Because he saw how much free time he still has. He understood that he is both helping out and chilling out. It's all in balance.

Yes. The experiment is off to a beautiful start! 

I'll share a step-by-step in a few days of how we're implementing the plan. And I'm wondering about you.

What is happening in your home? Are your kids jumping in?

Love,
Rachel

As a child I grew up doing what I was told.

Setting the table, washing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, feeding the dog, shoveling snow, mowing the lawn. You know. "Chores."

I suspect most of us have this in common.

But the way I was "encouraged" to do these chores was with a punishment and reward strategy.

I had to do it.

Mom chose the chores, their completion was possibly linked to my allowance and certainly linked to my freedom, and I remember that if certain chores were not done in a timely fashion we'd be stuck doing it for another week. I remember distinctly my sister feeding the dog for months on end because she kept forgetting.

And I get it.

That was how we collectively rolled in this culture in the 70's. In fact, I think it's how many of us still roll. I don't hold any grudges against my folks for this choice. It worked for them.

But in our home, I want less conflict and more cooperation than I grew up with. I want my kids to want to help. I want less correction and more connection.

I am looking to engage my kids in the day-to-day of running our home without the day-to-day power struggles that can come with it.

And so often they rise up and participate without even being asked.

Just yesterday Lupine came inside to report that the chickens had spilled their feed so she had already found and washed a scoop and refilled their feeder. She also checks for eggs several times a day and often joins me at the laundry line.

I have never asked her to do these jobs. She just wants to.

Sage is older. And he has a different temperament. He is more focused on his own interests than the running of our home. But Sage also takes pride in organizing our family room, polishing wooden furniture, washing windows, mowing the grass, and making our home beautiful.

These are tasks that he loves and often embraces when I ask him to do them.

But sometimes my kids just don't want to help.

Sometimes when I ask they say no. Sometimes when I tell they whine and complain. That's normal, right? I remember feeling that way.

But as an aspiring peaceful parent, I try not to force my children to participate like my folks did when I was a kid. I want their participation ot be joyful not compulsory.

And so there are days when I request far less help than I want. Because I want to stay the course of peaceful parenting.

And as my kids have gotten older I've begun to feel that they have a pretty cushy ride. They often just want the food cooked, floors cleaned, laundry folded, and dishes washed for them.

I can relate. I have moments like that.

But I don't have weeks like that. And when I project that sentiment out from early childhood towards young adulthood it makes me shudder. Because as I imagine my kids getting older and that desire taking deep root, it sure smacks of entitlement.

And entitlement is so not what I am going for in my parenting strategies. I want to raise kids who are strong. Capable. Confident. Not entitled.

I want my children to grow up knowing that their contributions to our home were not only polite, but also vital.

I started reading the book Cleaning House, a mom's 12 month experiment to rid her home of youth entitlement. And while I can't relate to much of the context – nor do I want to use punishment and reward to modify behavior – I am certainly inspired.

I can relate to her story of seeing her child's pajamas on the floor and thinking (with frustration) that she shouldn't have to pick up after him, then picking them up, cleaning the rest of the room, and organizing their closet while she's at it.

I get it. I've done that. And it serves no one.

So this season I am embarking on my own experiment.

We are going to create a home where everyone pulls their weight, but does so out of their desire to cooperate and participate. We will do it with peaceful parenting strategies – not power-over strategies, punishments, or rewards.

My kids will join me in this mission and their participation will be joyful.

Ambitious? Heck yeah. But certainly worth my best shot.

Because I believe that with some creativity and connection kids and adults can come together, find a common goal, and work joyfully towards it.

My plan is to:

1. Meet as a family and establish a shared goal.

2. Determine tasks or chores that need to be done daily or weekly.

3. Work together to determine an equitable way to distribute tasks.

4. Test our plan.

5. Encourage staying the course using peaceful parenting strategies (validation, attention, connection, and group problem-solving).

6. Modify as needed to meet the needs of all members of the family.

I am confident that we can banish entitlement and create participation without forcing a thing.

I have nothing to lose. And both a clean house and a confident future to gain.

 

Some days are hard.

Some days my children have misplaced their good attitudes and kind manners. Some days they don't want to help or participate or cooperate.

Some days are all resistance.

Sometimes as a parent it's hard to find the loving words. And the patience. Sometimes it's hard to keep my cool. To not raise my voice. To not resort to simply being the boss and choosing more old-school "because I said so" parenting energy, or inching towards punishment and reward.

Yes. Sometimes it's hard to practice what I preach.

But I'm trying everyday to keep at it and parent they way that I believe. I keep inching towards becoming the mom I want to be.

Sure, I slip. But as soon as I recognize it (or find the capacity to change my path) I return to what feels right.

Last week I was at the lake with my kids. A mom, struggling to keep up with two toddlers and two dogs in the company of an un-supportive boyfriend turned to me with an exhausted look on her face. "Why don't you have to yell at your kids to get them to do what you want?"

My heart was breaking for her. She was working so hard. I told her that my kids were older than hers and that we'd found our groove. 5 and 9 is not 3 and 4. Not by a long shot. I acknowledged that toddlers were a lot of work and then she ran off down the beach, chasing a child or a dog while her boyfriend baited his hook and smirked at her rushing about.

Before we left I told her that she deserved more respect. Because she does. She deserved to have support. Compassion. Connection.

We all deserve these things. And as mothers it is vital. If not from our partners (if we have one), if not from our extended family, if not from our community that surrouds us – at least from the communities that we find or create elsewhere.

Like here.

Last week I peeked around at the peaceful parenting conversations going on in our More Peaceful Parenting Facebook Group and was so inspired by the support and love that you are offering each other there.You are talking about big and personal struggles, and you are being met with grace and love and wisdom. I'm so glad.

As some of you have noticed, I quit the More Peaceful Parenting series her on the blog. When things got a little strained last month I felt a bit too vulnerable to write about parenting – a topic that seems to stir up a lot of energy and emotion.

And now I'm wondering if that has let you down.

Today I want you to tell me if you'd like the peaceful parenting series to continue. Was it helpful for you? Do you want more tools or have you had enough? Or do you prefer things a bit more light over here?

I've intentionally kept the subjects more superficial here during the past few weeks, but what about now? Should we dig back in? Are you wanting more?

Tell me what you think. I'm listening.

About the pictures, because some of you will be wondering. Yes, that is my girl picking apart a stinging nettle with her bare hands. She was making boats for the "nettle fairies" during a recent outing to a nearby lake. She told me she loved nettle and wouldn't get stung. And she didn't.

I have so much to learn from her.

~ * ~ * ~

Thank you for your comments and emails throughout this journey. You have shared a lot of yourselves – successes, realizations, and requests for guidance, empathy, and support. Because yes, this is the hardest job ever, this parenting gig. Many of you have reached out to say that even with more peaceful parenting strategies this is still really hard work. And I think that was a surprise for many of you.

Peaceful parenting isn't an instant fix to transform your home into one of perfect harmony. Your kids will still lose it, and in all likelihood you will still lose it sometimes too. (Just this morning I raised my voice and lost my cool with Sage when he started to unravel about something I couldn't muster the patience for.) Yup. Even with peaceful parenting it is still hard work. Your kids will continue to whine, scream, fuss, and cry. (The latter they may even do with more gusto as they let out all that they've been holding.) But it's bigger than that. There is a method to the madness. (More on that below.)

Before we get to it, I wanted to invite you to join in a greater conversation about peaceful parenting. In order for you to get more feedback from this wonderful community we are building I wanted a better forum for conversation. For those of you on Facebook, you already know that Clean has it's own page (right here). This morning I created a More Peaceful Parenting Group as well, for those interested in digging deeper into this conversation. Join us, won't you? We all have more to share.

Now. Onto Step 5! Your parenting mission statement.

~ * ~ * ~

This winter I created a Peaceful Parenting Mission Statement and shared it with you in this post. While I was not intending to bring that concept into this conversation, I realized that one part of the peaceful parenting series that was missing was the big picture of why. Why bother with peaceful parenting? Change can be hard and if we already know a different way of parenting, why make the switch?

Indeed, through our experiences as children and as observers most of us learned to parent in a way that's very different from the picture I am painting here. In that version adults are very much in charge and children learn to obey. There is punishment and reward and a clear hierarchy of parent and child.

But this path doesn't look like that at all. (It doesn't look like anarchy or an out of control kids-in-charge home either.) This path that I'm inviting you on looks less like obedience and more like mutual respect. It looks less like hierarchy and more like cooperation. It is built on connection and understanding, not on "because-I-said-so".

And in my opinion the path I am outlining here leads to a very different place. That place is what this mission statement is about.

It's also about remembering why we're doing what we do. Because during the hard moments it's easier to stay on the peaceful path if we know why we're doing it. (Or return to it more quickly as the case may be.)

Choose Your Destination

When you write a mission statement for parenting you are looking far down the road and choosing your destination. What kind of grown-ups do you want to help raise? If you had firmly in your mind that (for example) you wanted to raise kids who know what they want and aren't afraid to go after it, you might allow them more power and autonomy in choosing how they spend their time. That's what I'm talking about.

Because when you take a road trip you usually know where you want to end up before you start driving. It's like that.

A mission statement will serve as a reminder of your goals – your destination. Yes, you will stray from the path sometimes. We all do. But by creating a map now you will have a solid path to find your way back to. And from here you can make mindful decisions about your parenting choices. For those of you with a GPS in your car, the mission statement can call out, "At the next intersection make a U-turn."

One-size does not fit all for parenting. I have a friend who sometimes calls for parenting advice and our kids are so different. So I tell her, "I'm not parenting a child with the same needs as your girl. I'm not sure what will work for her." And we throw around a variety of ideas that might be a fit. In truth, I'm different from my friend, too. And you need to find a path that fits not only your child's needs but yours as well. 

My goals and yours will probably have some overlap but differences too. And that's great. That's why your kids chose you and mine chose me. Because we will each be the parent they came here seeking. That's what I believe anyway.

Make a List

A parenting mission statement answers the question, "When my children are grown, I want them to be…"

Find some quiet space, and begin by jotting down a list of the traits or skills you want your children to grow up having learned and lived.

What do you want them to embody from their childhood when they are out on their own? There are countless directions to take this. Some ideas include:

• Self-confidence
• Belonging
• Creativity
• Unconditional love
• Patience
• Sense of humor
• Value of hard-work
• Kindness
• Faith
• Determination
• Self-respect

Create your Mission Statement

From this list you will create your mission statement. Take the priorities you jotted down, and then expand on them. (Peek at my example again if you need a little guidance and make it as simple or expansive as you wish.)

Keep in mind how we learn. We lean by living. By feeling safe. By knowing well these characteristics in our own lives. If we want to raise children who are kind, we treat them with kindness. If we want to raise hard workers, we demonstrate finding joy in our work and allow them to find their own passions to dig into.

It's pretty simple, isn't it? And it serves as a clear reminder that we can only teach patience by being patient. That we can only teach "you are loved" by loving without conditions. We can only teach respect by treating out children with the respect that we all deserve.

Revisit your mission statement often to revise and review. It's your map. And it will help you remember that no matter how hard this job may be, it's the most important job you have. You won't always stay on track, but at least you'll know your path when you are ready to find your way back to it.

Love,
Rachel

P.S. If you missed the rest of the series, here are links to each post.

More Peaceful Parenting Step 1. Forgive, Accept, and Love Yourself.

More Peaceful Parenting Step 2. Identify the Need.

More Peaceful Parenting Step 3. Validate.

More Peaceful Parenting Step 4. Creating a Yes Environment.

Creating a yes environment means setting your child up for success each and every day. It means shifting your words, your home and even the way you think to help them succeed.

Many of us really got this when our kids were tiny. We made countless adaptations for our babies because we didn't expect them to make adaptations for us. As they grew older however many of us lost track of the importance of this simple action. When baby became child we suddenly expected them to adapt their behavior to fit our needs rather than the other way around.

But we can get to a place where there is more harmony, more joy, and less struggle. And all of the steps we are practicing in this journey are a part of that process. Creating a yes environment is the next step. It takes patience, but hey, so does weathering a tantrum. And patience of this sort is the kind I'm game for practicing everyday. Because it transforms me as well.

A yes environment is not permissive parenting. Permissive parenting (or letting your child do almost anything they want) does not create safety for your child. Instead a yes environment is simply providing a clear, safe space (both physical and non-physical) in which your child may have the freedom they need to thrive. There are boundaries to be sure, but we communicate them with kindness, love, and understanding.

A yes environment is multi-layered. It is in the physical space of your home and also your thoughts and words as a parent. It is about creating an environment and family culture where your child will have more freedom to explore and play and learn – and be a kid – with fewer corrections from you. 

I have broken down creating a yes environment into three categories: Home, Mindset, and Vocabulary. Make progress (bit by bit) in these categories over the coming days and see what transforms.

A Yes Home

A yes home will be free of many of the temptations that are likely to cause conflicts between parent and child. For a baby it means fragile items kept up and away from little hands and the stairs are blocked by a gate when a grown-up is not nearby. It also means that the gate sometimes comes down when the toddler wants to explore the stairs with an adult beside them. A yes environment means rearranging the kitchen cupboards to allow the toddler to have one to empty out and explore (plastic containers, wooden spoons, pots and pans) and the others secured with cabinet locks to keep baby safe. A yes environment means doing the work to find a way to help your child meet their needs for learning, exploration, and autonomy.

For kids a yes environment frequently comes down to out-of-sight, out-of-mind. There are no cookies on the kitchen counter at dinner time; no off-limits candy bowl on the entryway table. The television is stored in an out-of-the-way nook to keep from frequent requests to view. Mama's sewing shears are put up and away, while child-sized scissors are within reach for projects. It might mean a fence around a backyard to keep your little one from wandering, or clear boundaries of how far an older child may explore unsupervised.

A Yes Mindset

A yes mindset can change everything. It means that you decide how important that "no" really is. "No" flies out of our mouths as parents so readily, and I encourage you to pause and ask yourself if the next "no" really needs to be said. I find myself saying no often when I am trying to create safety, to reduce messes, and to feel like I am in control. But many of those no moments can be transformed. You'll still say no to your child, but a fraction of the times you do now. (And when you do say it, it will really matter.)

A yes mindset means:

Hurrying a little less. Can you take that detour on your walk past your child's favorite spot?

Can your child put on their own shoes and try and try again to tie their laces?

Can your four-year-old make the salad tonight and you help her slice tomatoes with a sharp knife?

Not if you are in a hurry. I find most of my super-stressful "no"-packed moments happen when I am hurrying. And sometimes I'm not even sure why I am in a hurry! (Habit?) Plan as much time as you can for your day-to-day activities to allow your child to explore their world and their skills, and practice your deep breathing skills while they do.

Cultivating flexibility a little more. Is there any reason he can't eat with a serving spoon and a toothpick tonight? It's pretty fun, and a little more fun is usually a good thing.

What will happen if she goes outside without her mittens in the snow or without her raincoat in the storm? She wont be harmed by it, she have some powerful/wonderful sensory experiences, and she'll know why to take her mittens next time if she's bothered by the cold.

If your toddler love ripping pages in books, keep only board books within her reach and read together the books with paper pages. When she has the urge to rip, provide her with an old magazine to tear instead. No, a stack of old torn magazines wasn't in your ideal picture of a quaint playroom, but it meets her need while protecting your books. Why not do it?

Do you experience grocery-store drama? Allow your child or children to choose one healthy treat that is not on your list. You and the child must agree on the item and will keep searching until you find the perfect food. In the meantime, you'll get your shopping done. We brought home a coconut last week and a mango yesterday as a part of this plan. No, I didn't necessarily want a mango (or a coconut!), but now we have Mango Lassis on the breakfast menu tomorrow and the kids are thrilled. (And no one asked for chocolate chips, ice cream, or cereal.)

Shaking off fear of judgement. My daughter picked out a black and yellow fluffy bumble bee tutu as an "everyday dress" for the Midwest Renewable Energy Fair last year. I paused, and then smiled and packed it into her bag. She buzzed around that fair for one whole day, and captivated 99% of the crowd. My mom was amazed and impressed that I didn't veto the outfit, but really – why? There was no harm once I shook off the fear of being judged. And frankly, it was so perfectly Lupine.

A Yes Vocabulary

Lastly, finding the best-feeling words can make all of the difference. Sometimes a "No" becomes a "Yes" simply by the language you choose. Here are a few examples.

Your toddler is helping you clean up the floor. Suddenly sweeping turns to high-sticking and they are running through the kitchen, broom in the air, swinging wildly. The (indeed, logical) "no" response sounds something like this: "No swinging the broom! Put it down or you're done sweeping. You could break something!"

The "yes" response transforms this age-appropriate decision to high-stick more gently and effectively as the parent moves quickly towards the child to guide them into a more appropriate choice. "We sweep with our broom. There are some crumbs. Let's sweep them up!" The parents hands guide the broom to the floor and into sweeping mode once more. The adult stays close to be sure the lesson was absorbed. If the swinging continues (also age-appropriate), the broom is peacefully swapped out for the dustpan or a hand broom and the clean up continues – together.

In another example, a child is moving towards the road unsupervised. The (again, logical) "no" response could be: "Stop! No road! The road is dangerous. You could get hurt!"

The "yes" response (as the adult runs quickly to the child's side) is: "Sophie! Do you see the cars? Would you like to cross the street? We'll do it together, holding hands. Are there any cars this way?"

A yes vocabulary does not mean that your child can do what ever they want. It means we cultivate patience for the age and stage of their development, and we nurture the child and the needs.

Look into your days and identify the most stressful moments. Transitions, meals, and bedtime come up for many. Now evaluate how often your child hears "no" during these moments, and see what can be transformed through the changes outlined above.

As we practice finding more "yes" moments and fewer "no" moments, our children will respond. They will feel their expanding safety, autonomy, and freedom and move with more ease and grace into the space. Sure, there will still be "no"s. But using validation you will navigate these more rare moments with more ease and grace as well.

Love,
Rachel

P.S. If you missed the rest of the series, here are links to each post.

More Peaceful Parenting Step 1. Forgive, Accept, and Love Yourself.

More Peaceful Parenting Step 2. Identify the Need.

More Peaceful Parenting Step 3. Validate.

I write here (and do most of my work for running my business) in the mornings and the evenings, apart from the time I spend actively parenting my kids. I get up early, and I work after their bedtime. Last night was my turn to "give bed" and Pete was at a class.

For many days transitioning the kids toward sleep has taken longer and longer. The sun is shining later, the neighborhood is alive with sounds, and spring fever is upon them. They giggle and fidget and argue and complain and talk and pop out of bed until an hour or more after bedtime.

Last night was no different.

And my work was waiting. And the Peaceful Parenting series was waiting (you didn't get a new post this week, and Friday was coming fast). And my one brief break from parenting for the day was waiting. (And if I could get my work done fast enough my kitting would be waiting too.)

I found myself getting frustrated. Irritated. Short with my kids. Wanting to scream, "Hurry up and go to sleep FOR GOODNESS SAKE so that I can go and write about being a better mom. DO IT NOW!"

(No, I didn't say it.) I was, however, terse with them for a minute, walked out of the bedroom, and sat down in the dark living room to collect myself. I took a few deep breaths and everything came into focus. Was I really being impatient with them so I could help you become more patient with yours?

I went back to their room. I apologized. I asked them what they needed. We looked for a solution. I told them what I needed. (Some time for myself. Some time for my work. Their help in smoothing out the bumps in the road to bedtime. More quiet-laying-in-bed time after we said goodnight.) I assured them that sleep would indeed come if they stopped coming out to tell me that they were still awake. We hugged and kissed and cuddled once more and said our "I love you"s once more too.

And then…

They went to sleep.

It was an hour later than usual (which meant that I didn't have time to write) but they went to sleep just the same. They always fall asleep. But sometimes I stop being graceful along the way.

And so this week there will be no NVC parenting post. Because making the conscious choice to be a more peaceful mother seemed like better parenting than writing that post could have ever been.

I chose to be patient and present with my kids, to connect, to apologize, to choose a more nurturing path than punishment or reward could ever provide, to look for the feeling behind the behavior, and to validate. I chose to stop, re-boot, and remember what kind of mom I want to be.

And then I drank my tea and went to bed. No writing, no knitting, just tea. And I fell asleep knowing that last night being a better parent was far more important than writing about it parenting could ever be.

Love,
Rachel

We are three weeks into striving to become more peaceful parents. I look forward to hearing your reflections on how steps 1 and 2 are working for you and if you are making an effort to apply them (even occasionally) to your family. I mapped out the complete ten-step series today and discovered that I struggled to limit it to just ten points on this journey! I could keep going and going. Such beautiful ideas with so much potential for transforming our families and therefore our world. I could talk about this subject forever.

For those of you ready for a second book recommendation, I suggest you pick up a copy of Respectful Parents Respectful Kids. A wonderful book that address the needs of every member of your family (yes, including you), and touches on the parenting mission statement idea I talked about here.

Now, onto step 3!

~ * ~

How was last week, parenting-wise? Did you work on identifying the need in your child's more challenging moments? Did it shift anything for you to look beyond the expression – deeper into your child – to strive to see what was really going on? If not, you can always start today. There's no need to feel like you're behind and can't jump in now. Today is always the best day to start something new.

So you've identified the need (or made an effort to anyway). Now what?

Validation

Validation is the next step after attempting to identify the need. Validation might just be my favorite parenting tool. It's one of them anyway. Because in my family validation has a magical, transformative effect.

The first time I consciously used it it (after reading this book) I got the need wrong, but much to my amazement the validation still worked. And better than I ever dreamed.

Then five, Sage had just said goodbye to a new friend who had come over to play. It was evening, and Pete was brushing Sage's hair, getting him ready for bed. (Sage was always hard to brush. He's very sensitive to pain and his long, snarly hair plus his sensitivity was a perpetual challenge. Lots of crying during brushing. For years.)

This time Sage was angrily kicking Pete in the shins while he brushed. (He rarely lashed out physically, so clearly something big was going on.) I had been reading about more peaceful and effective parenting styles and decided to try out what I was learning. Instead of our usual, "Don't kick your papa!" I looked for the need. (Sage hated to have Pete in particular brush his hair because he tends to be a little too rough with the tangles.)

I said, "It hurts to have Papa brush your hair and you are angry he isn't being more gentle." He immediately stopped kicking Pete and looked in my eyes. With a sad, teary face he said, "No. I'm sad that my friend had to go home." 

Whoa.

Unlike most adults in an emotional crisis, my five-year old was able to go within himself, and with the help of a little validation (validation that missed the mark, but validation none-the-less) find the true need behind his behavior. He immediately stopped kicking Pete and had a hearty cry. And then he was done. That was it. I was floored.

Not bad for a first effort at connection-based peaceful parenting.

In that moment I promised myself and my children to stop parenting behavior first and instead look for and validate the need. Heck, that moment told me I didn't even have to be right for it to work. He just needed to know that I cared enough to ask. How affirming!

 What Validation Provides

When you validate your child's unspoken feelings, you deliver some powerful messages that we all could benefit from hearing. You tell them that their feelings are valid. All one of them. That it is okay to be angry. Or afraid. Or sad. Or lonely. Or frustrated. Or fill-in-the-blank-here.

Because in truth, all feeling are valid. It's how we express those feelings that we're working on. And by validating our child's feeling, we validate our child. We say to them: you can be angry and I still love and respect you. What a beautiful message that is. 

And when we know our feeling are okay we also get the message that we don't need to bury them or lash out instead of sharing how we really feel. We know we're understood. 

Validation is free of judgement and full of empathy. Often a child acts out because they don't know how to express their feelings any other way. When we validate we provide for them a voice in the moment as well as a lesson for learning to express appropriately in the future.

And Then What?

What happens after you validate? You approve the feelings that are bottled up inside. You give your child a green-light to express what they are holding.

And it isn't always graceful.

There might be tears. Or angry voices. Or a big healing melt-down. "Oh! I'm not up for that," you say. But really, the emotions are going to come out one way or another. Providing a safe channel is one of our important jobs as a parent. In my opinion a big, long sob in loving arms (or aggressively beating the tar our of a couch cushion) is preferable to both A) a full-blown tantrum or B) learning to bottle up your feelings. Let the feelings flow. After they release those buried emotions you'll see a clarity in your child's eyes that may have been missing for a long time.

And the more you practice connection-based parenting, the fewer (and shorter) of these post-validation meltdowns you'll experience. Because there won't be a backlog of feelings waiting to come out. Your child will be clear and connected with their own emotions. And if you validate, for example, that your child feels afraid when they see a big dog it won't bring forth the expression of so many other buried fears that they've been waiting for an opportunity to express.

It's Not Okay. (And that's okay.)

I also encourage you to strive to remove the phrase "It's okay." from your parenting vocabulary. I know. It's such a knee-jerk phrase for so many of us when our child starts to come unraveled. It often comes out of our mouths without us even realizing it. And it seems oftentimes that those two simple words can abort an impending parenting disaster (temporarily anyway). But in truth, those feelings need to come out. And they will, one way or another.

Because for your child it isn't okay. And acknowledging that truth is one of the core components of validation. If they are crying or screaming or melting down, everything is not okay in their world. If you feel yourself compelled to convince them otherwise take a deep breath and try gentle validation instead.

Know when to fix it and when to let it be.

And one more though. Your job as parent is not always to fix it. Sometimes we're sad. Angry. Frustrated. And we don't need anyone to make it instantly better. Yes, more peaceful parenting means allowing your child the full expression of their feelings through words, tears, and other non-violent means. Rather than trying to quickly fix what isn't working, we allow our child to feel what they feel and let it all out.

For example, your child has a treat and drops it in the dirt. One common response might be, "Oh! You dropped your sucker. It's okay. Don't cry! I'll get you another one!" A different response (where the parent is validating but not trying to fix what is broken) could be, "Oh, honey. You dropped your sucker and now it's dirty. You feel sad that you can't enjoy your special treat. That is so disappointing." And then they sob, and we hold them in our arms and quietly comfort them simply with our presence.

Because in this life we will sometimes drop our sucker in the dirt (lose a job, be betrayed by a loved one, get a speeding ticket, break our favorite coffee cup) and no one will be able to fix it. I think we're wise as parents to stop fixing what is broken so quickly and allow our children to simply feel what they feel before we scramble to make it right.

If you are fixing it to avoid the uncomfortable feelings (or the uncomfortable expression of feelings), pause. Let them feel. If you are helping them find a solution in order to feel safe and know that their needs are being met, carry on.

Here are some examples of the latter:

A child sees his little sister toddling towards his block castle. He hurries toward her, arms waving, yelling, and blocking her from crossing the room.

"It's okay! She won't break it!" isn't going to make him feel more comfortable. And "It's okay! I can fix it!" won't serve him either, nor will a stern: "Don't treat your sister like that!"

Instead, you kneel beside your children and validate your son. "Hey, I can see you're worried that your sister might wreck your castle. You worked so hard to build it." He nods and says that she always wrecks it and he hates her. You validate that feeling as well. "It must be frustrating to work so hard and then have your castle toppled by someone else." Then you add, "Your sister wants to play, too. Do you think we could build another castle for your sister to play with? We can build it together. Then I'll play with her and her castle so that you can enjoy yours."

You helped find a solution, while acknowledging that the feelings your son had were valid.

Here are a few other examples of how you can validate while seeking solution:

You are visiting a friend, and your child is protesting and arguing about getting into the car. You look for the need, and then validate. "The last time visited she wouldn't share her toys and you're afraid this visit won't be fun either." You add, "I know that you're rather go home, but I want to see my friend today. We're still going to visit, but would you like me to talk to her mama and find a few toys you can play with while we sit together at the table?"

or… "Barking dogs are scary. And their dog is big and loud. I understand. Would you like me to hold you until you feel more comfortable?"

"You want me to buy you that cereal because it has that cute picture on the box. You feel frustrated that I always say no to the cereal with the animals on the package. That must be disappointing for you to hear no every time we come here."

All of these messages tell your child that you understand their feelings, and while the cereal still won't be coming home (no quick fix to quiet the expression), you have validated the emotions and the need that your child is expressing.

Whew. That was a long one. The upshot is look for the need, validate the feeling, and allow the expression.

And see what transforms.

I'm really looking forward to your thoughts on this one.

Love,
Rachel

Here is a link to the first two steps in the series, in case you didn't see them yet.

More Peaceful Parenting Step 1. Forgive, Accept, and Love Yourself.

More Peaceful Parenting Step 2. Identify the Need.

Thank you for your encouragement along this journey. We've begun our work in Step 1 with how we treat ourselves (as well as how we see our own parents). Beginning with self-love and forgiveness is an important step towards becoming more effective parents. I hope you've spent some time this week treating yourself with forgiveness and love. Keep at that list from time to time. It's important work to truly appreciate ourselves and who we are in our hearts.

The next nine steps (including today's post) will be simple concepts that you can integrate in your day-to-day experience with your child. They will not be homework-based or something you do when you are alone. They are in-the-moment changes to the way you think or speak. With some determination and focus they will become a part of how you engage with your family. Each week we'll add more tools to help you create more peaceful connection with your child and slowly you'll build a whole new skill set and with it a new relationship.

Each week I will try to also provide you with an additional resource for those who want to go further with their learning. This week I encourage you to pick up a copy of Raising our Children Raising Ourselves from your library or bookstore. If you want to move a little faster than this 10 step series will take you, this is an excellent place to start. This well written book transformed our home from one with frequent conflict to one with deep connection. I can't say enough about it. I use what I read here every single day.

No, onto step 2!

~ * ~

Identify the Need Behind the Behavior

Non-violent communication (NVC) is about building relationships on connection rather than coercion. When applied to your relationship with your children, NVC is the foundation of becoming more peaceful parents. NVC is about listening with empathy and speaking your own truth with honesty and love.

At its core, NVC is based on the very important understanding that behind every behavior is a need. Any parent who's been in line at the grocery with a toddler at nap-time has lived this first hand. The expression (the check-out-meltdown) is the expression of a need (in this example the need is for sleep.) They are basic needs that we all share. Like the need for food. For play. For comfort. For love. For quiet. For belonging. For compassion. For rest.

When a person (child or adult) acts out that behavior is the expression of an unmet need. And if you as the parent work to see the need beneath the expression you can address it (along with the behavior). (Personally I would attest that addressing the need is a much more effective strategy than addressing the behavior. Sometimes both are needed, but often times simply just addressing the need is enough.)

A complete list of basic needs can be found here. For the sake of simplicity, I have pulled out a shortened list of needs that your children may be expressing.

• Belonging
• Empathy
• Inclusion
• Love
• Nurturing
• Respect
• Safety
• To be understood
• Trust
• Food
• Rest or Sleep
• Exercise or movement
• Play
• Choice
• Freedom
• Independence
• Participation
• To matter

The next time you are in a parenting struggle, instead of saying "Hey! You can't hit me!" or "Sit down until you are excused from the table." or "Don't talk back, young man." pause for a moment, take a breath, and ask yourself:

What is the need my child is expressing?

Because knowing the need might dramatically shift how you address the behavior. 

To identify the unfulfilled need, consider what else is going on in your child's moment, day, week, or life. Is she hungry, tired, scared, or ashamed? Did he have a hard day at school or home? Is she struggling with fitting in or succeeding at what she tried to accomplish? Dig deeper than the expression of the moment.

That's all we are working on this week. Learning to see the need our child is expressing. This important perspective shift can help you focus on the needs of your child rather than just the expression of that need.

I'd love to hear your thoughts now, as well as your experiences are after you've had some time to practice. Have a blessed weekend, friends.

Love,

Rachel

 

When I wrote this post earlier this month I was surprised by the powerful response it received. You commented, you shared, you emailed, you reached out. Some of you saw yourself in the child, others saw themselves in the mother. Many of you stressed that we can not possibly know the context of this moment and must be careful before we judge another.

And you're right. I don't know their story.

So I decided to start with a few assumptions and see if that changed my take on their dynamic. For the sake of this discussion I assumed that there were some stressful extenuating circumstances – that their day had started bad and gotten worse, that there was a family crisis going on at home, that the child had been acting out in a big way for weeks, and that the mother was suffering from some emotional trials of her own.

While I am sensitive to this new story and my heart goes out to the family I created in my mind, it didn't change much for me.

Even in this new context I don't think it is okay to shame or disrespect a child. Period. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Pretty simple, except when we try to apply it to how we parent. Then it gets messy. 

Because, quite simply, we often don't treat children with the respect that they inherently deserve.

If I told you the same story but instead of a mother and child it was a husband speaking to his wife would you excuse the behavior? What if it was an adult talking to their elderly parent? Would it be okay then? Would we say "Maybe they were having a hard day." and see their behavior as acceptable?  Or would we expect them to find a way in which to heal their own hurts so that they could treat their partner or parent with the respect that they deserve? I think – and hope – it would be the latter.

Children have been demoted to the bottom of the worthy-of-respect continuum in our culture. We force them to do what we think is important; we tell them we know better than they; we believe that losing our cool is somehow more acceptable in the context of childhood.

And I wholeheartedly disagree. We can be the grown-up and hold that place of responsibility without disrespecting our kids. I just know we can.

Truth be told, I sometimes yell. Sometimes I even swear. (Yes, around/at my children). I've slammed doors, pounded my fists on the carpeting, and thrown things down dramatically in frustration. Yes – there have been moments when I've been bossy, rude, and/or disrespectful to every member of my family. Now you know. I can be a bitch too.

Yup, sometimes I totally and utterly lose it. And my losing it likely either more or less dramatic than yours, depending on your personality and your context. Maybe for you "losing it" means striking your child or letting a distressed baby cry without you coming. Or maybe "losing it" means saying something snarky to your partner when they come home, snapping at your child, or drinking too much at the end of the day. Maybe "losing it" means saying words that hurt more than hands – angry, shaming words. Words you can never take back. Or maybe it means being less gentle than usual when you put your child in their car seat. Chances are, you lose it now and then in your own way.

And whether you lose it once a year or dozens of times per day is beside the point. Because we are all imperfect. And always will be. And within that imperfection, we all starting at our own perfect place. Because from where we now stand each and every one of us can strive to do better at this job we volunteered for. We can be mindful and choose to do right by our children, just a bit more than we did yesterday.

What would happen if we decided to simply do better?

I strive to parent peacefully. Almost every day. And I don't know many other families who don't use punitive strategies with their kids in an attempt to control behavior (punitive being everything from loss of privileges to time-out to spanking). Pete told me recently that I'm always a more patient parent on Tuesday night – after hanging out with another NVC (non-violent communication)-parenting mom. Because she inspires me. And it transforms how I engage with my kids. I learn new strategies just by being with her once a week.

A very different mother/friend called me for parenting advice last week. She was in a challenging time with her little one and needed a perspective shift. We do things differently and she had a hunch that my ideas might help them through this challenge. I offered some gentle-parenting strategies and a few days later she called to say how their dynamic had transformed because of our discussion. Literally within minutes of hanging up the phone. She was applying the principles we talked about (within the context of her own parenting style) and seeing her connection with her child deepen. I was amazed.

And those two mamas in my world made me wonder – what would happen if we could open a conversation here to elevate our experience as parents? I think we could all realize real change. You, me, anyone we invited into the conversation.

Ten weeks, ten posts, ten different strategies to lovingly apply to your relationship to your child.

Are you in?

But before we begin, let's take a moment for gratitude. Because gratitude takes what is before us and shows us the shiny bits. The best parts of our imperfect reality.

Your kids – what do you appreciate? Tell me what their sparkle is.

Love,
Rachel

Edited to add: To follow this series through, just click on the category "Non-Violent Parenting" at left and you'll be all set.