A Peaceful Parenting Mission Statement

December 6, 2011March 16, 201826 Comments

Dear Sage and Lupine,

Let me start with the basics: I love you.

I say it every day, dozens of times, but it is truer than most words I can speak. I love you. With every cell of my being. On top of that, I like you, I trust you, I believe in you, and I respect you. I hope I continue to earn the same from you today in in the years to come.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. The journey into motherhood has been amazing so far, and I'm looking forward to all the chapters down the road in your beautiful lives. I have grown more since you came into my life than in all of the years before you. You've been so good for me. That's for certain.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be your mama. It's quite a gift to be the mama. Because of you I've re-thought everything – from the food I put in my mouth, to the thoughts I hold as true, to the vision I have for the future. Big stuff. Transformative stuff. It is shaping me.

I realized recently that sometimes as parents we temporarily lose our way. We get mired in the day-to-day business of our to-do lists, our housekeeping, and our pesky attachment to linear time (which you do not share). We start to desire obedience over free-thinking, compliance over questioning, order over creativity. We start to be stubborn and work to get our way more and more often.

And so I thought, hey, I need a mission statement. For parenting. Something to help me stay on track when the days get long and my patience grows short. Something to hold in my heart so that I always know where we're going and why we're doing what we do. A compass. For parenthood. Because afterall, shouldn't the kind of adults I'm hoping to grow here guide how I treat you as children?

A Parenting Mission Statement

I choose to raise children who are respectful and believe they are worthy of respect. To this end I will not force you to act respectfully, but rather I will treat you with respect, both modeling the power of respect and teaching you that you are worthy of it. You are a person, as valuable as any regardless of age. We all deserve respect. If you treat me disrespectfully I will tell you how it makes me feel so that you can grow as a person for these lessons.

I choose to raise children who are confident and who know themselves enough to be true to the song in their hearts. To this end I will not use shame or manipulation nor will I encourage conformity over free-thinking. I will instead support your dreams and desires and your hearth's truths. Your right answer and my right answer might not look the same. I'm good with that. You are your own person.

I choose to raise children who are kind and caring and see kindness and caring in the world as well. Because of this I will treat your feelings and needs with the utmost respect. Just because I am bigger than you doesn't mean I'll use power over you to get my way. I'll help you seek out and see kindness in the world throughout your childhood.

I choose to raise children who are honest and value the power of truth. To this end I will not use punishment when you act inappropriately but instead I will determine the need behind your behavior and help you find an appropriate way to meet every need. I believe that speaking the truth takes courage and should be encouraged with unconditional love – not discouraged by judgement or punishment.

(There will surely be more, but this feels like a solid start.)

And when I fail at these things (which I will sometimes) I will own my mistakes. I will apologize and let you know that I, too, am learning as I go. Right alongside of you two – the best teachers of my life.

Love,

Mama

Safe Co-sleeping is Good for You and Your Baby.

November 18, 2011March 16, 201823 Comments

Last night as I lay down to sleep I placed my hand on the hot belly of my five-year-old, beside me in our big bed. She has a fever. At bedtime I had tucked her in bed beside me without even considering laying her elsewhere. Put her down the hall to sleep alone through the ups-and-downs of a feverish sleep? No way. She's by my side. I can't imagine it any other way.

We've co-slept since the first night with our first child. We did it safely and I can't imagine mothering any other way. It's like breastfeeding and baby-wearing. I can't comprehend how we could have parented with as much grace, ease, and connection as we did without these simple tools.

Co-sleeping can be done safely. Let me say that again: co-sleeping can be done safely. In fact, when done properly your bed can be a safer place to sleep than a crib according to some studies. Dr. Sears notes, "…one independent researcher examined the CPSC's data and came to the…conclusion that sleeping with your baby is actually SAFER than not sleeping with your baby (see Mothering Magazine Sept/Oct 2002)."

Yes, despite what you have heard, co-sleeping offers many benefits both mother and child.

My point is this: educate yourself, and then find what works for your family. Fear is no replacement for education, so do some reading and then make your own educated choice. Both you and your baby deserve as much.

There are two wonderful websites I encourage you to visit as you embark on bed-sharing for the first time. Dr. Sears lays out the guidelines (as well as the facts about how safe it really is to co-sleep) in this fabulous post (note that the co-sleeper is optional). Also Dr. McKenna at Notre Dame has years of data as to how mother and child share sleep to the benefit of both on this site as well as the basics of doing it safely. No, falling asleep together on the couch is not co-sleeping. Nor is it safe. But tucking in beside your child in an appropriate bed is, if you do it right. And it's easy to do it right.

Indeed, mothers (and fathers) have bed-shared with their infants and children since the beginning of time. It's only natural. You are not an inherient danger to your baby. Learn the basics of safe sleep-sharing.

Below is a reflection on co-sleeping that I wrote last year. Enjoy.

Love,
Rachel

We co-slept with both of our kids until they decided they were each ready to move out into their own room. Now most evenings Pete and I enjoy having our own bed to stretch out in. That space feels luxurious to us these days. By morning we are sometimes still two, often three, and occasionally four (or even just one), depending on what if any night-time parenting was required before sunrise. There is flex and flow in our sleeping world.

Last night Sage decided to fall asleep in the "Big Bed". (The Big Bed is Pete's and my bed. We casually decided not to call it "our" bed because all of us are welcome there and we want the kids to know that just because they have their own rooms doesn't mean that aren't welcome in ours.) When I crawled in to go to sleep, there was my little boy, all legs and arms sprawled out across the covers.

In the darkness I snuggled in beside him and was stunned by how far his legs reached out from his torso; how grown-up the tempo of his breathing; how Big he has become. In that moment I traveled in time to a yellow house in Baraboo to a tiny boy just hours old (born one floor below) asleep beside me in the moonlight. That night my eyes were wide-open and awe-filled as I watched this tiny person sleep. Perfection in physical form. Smiles flickering across his baby face, eyes darting beneath sleeping lids.

As those early weeks and months of parenthood unfolded, night was not the sanctuary of peace I had anticipated. Sleep was broken, and tears were shed nightly by one or more of us. It was hard. Harder than anything I had imagined. But I held him and danced him and nursed him and did countless deep-knee-bends throughout the night. And he would fall back to sleep, over and over and each morning we would wake together and begin our day.

He was so small. So open. So dialed in to my every vibration and emotion and to those of our house, our community, our planet. I know – heavy, right? But Sage is an tapped-in child. And he feels everything. So many of the children being born today are. And because of that I saw no other option than to keep him by my side, close and safe. His crib down the hall stayed empty and unused until we packed it up and gave it back to its original owner. He told me (as best as he could) to keep him close. So I did.

All babies wake at night.

As parents how we respond to these wakings (or don't) determines if our babies will trust us to be present for them in the night. Our action or inaction determines if they will continue to reach out to us when they are in need. If not they aren't sleeping through – they just know not to ask us to help them.

I chose to have both of my kids know that I was there and I was their mama, no matter what the clock said.

And now? He sleeps. She sleeps. We all sleep. For those of you who read this through bleary sleep-deprived eyes, up throughout the long, tear-filled nights, know that this too shall pass. Hold them and kiss them and nurse them and comfort them. And then – like magic – one day you'll wake to discover that it's morning and you've done nothing but sleep since you laid your head down in the sweet darkness.

And while you won't likely miss all of those wakings, you might just miss the sight of their tiny perfectness lying in the moonlight beside you, peacefully dreaming.

Joyful Participation.

August 25, 2011March 17, 201822 Comments

I told Pete yesterday that I wasn't sure how I was going to get it all done before bedtime. The kids were outside and I had a little grumble session, rattling off a list of all that I needed to do in the next 24 hours. At the top of the list was peel and seed – and then can – the tomatoes, stem and process the green beans, and make pickles. Somehow I had bushels of produce piling up on my porch and in my kitchen and I needed to put the time in to deal with them. The fruit flies were starting to gather.

And then the kids came in for lunch.

When Sage got to the kitchen he saw the big pot of water simmering away on the stove. "Whatcha doin'? Are you peeling tomatoes? I'll do it. I want to peel tomatoes!" And before I knew what had happened my kids had set up two work stations at the table and peeled, cored, and seeded a half-bushel of our garden tomatoes.

I was both grateful and amazed. You see, a long time ago we stopped forcing chores. When I'm overwhelmed I experiment with it once in a while, but it always leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth. Forcing participation in the day-to-day workings of the family teaches that everyone must participate for the family to function (a good lesson) but it also teaches that participating in said work really sucks. Helping is not fun when you are forced to help, so I believe the positive lessons are mostly missed. So I stopped doing it.

My kids do help – every day even – but they usually get to choose how. Lupine hates clearing and washing her dishes, but she likes setting the table and wiping it down. She also loves mopping, cleaning the bathroom, and folding laundry. Do I really need to force her to wash her plate? If so, to what end?

And by preserving the notion that helping is fun, they don't hesitate to jump in and participate in our life – simply for the joy of it. And to me that's the best lesson of all.

Oh, and as for that messy work of processing tomatoes? Both my kids are pretty sensitive when it comes to anything tactile. Lupine couldn't seed a tomato with her eyes open. But tomato after tomato she kept at it, simultaneously amused and disgusted. It was awesome.

NVC-Parenting and my Messy Kitchen (again).

August 4, 2011March 17, 201817 Comments

This morning my kitchen looks a lot like it did yesterday. This time it was not because of so much canning but because Pete worked late and I had evening plans sewing with a friend at her house. (After my three days solo I've been conscious to carve out some time apart from my kids, be that to hang with friends, crafting alone, or even just walk the dog.) Despite the messy kitchen this morning I woke feeling rested and ready to start the day. There was no canning yesterday, just some live fermenting and some time with my serger. (Oh, serger. How I love you.) Even the laundry folding was neglected.

Today I'm starting slow. Yesterday was very busy for my world (three things on our schedule) and today will be the opposite to re-balance us a bit. I have my decaf latte, the cat in my lap, and the dishes are soaking in the sink. My sleepy people are all still in bed so I'm stealing a rare moment of quiet.

Thought today is Mystery Thursday, this week we are toning it down to catch up from yesterday and the rest of the week. It has been busy and it's important for me to know when to pull back.

My children have been struggling with harmony lately. They are great friends and love to play together usually (though normal sibling struggles are not uncommon) but this past week they've been frustrating each other more than not. And honestly, they've been frustrating me with the bickering too.

Last night I called off a game they were playing when it eroded into name-calling and raised voices. I calmly told them to each go to their respective rooms for five minutes to rest. It had been a busy day and I felt they needed some quiet and solitutude. (Note that I didn't send them to their rooms in anger or as a punishment. Just a simple re-boot of their energy.)

Regardless of my intention, they were not happy about my request. Tears for one, grumbles from the other, they headed down to their rooms. And then something magical happened. They relaxed. They hit a calm and creative groove when they found themselves alone and in silence. When five minutes was over I let them know they could clean up and come out but neither one wanted to be done. They voluntarially stayed in for another 10 minutes, came out for dinner, and then both wandered back in to their own rooms to finish what they began during their quiet time.

This caused me some reflection/amazement. I strive to practice NVC-parenting every day with varied success (NVC = Non Violent Communication). That means it is my goal to not yell, dominate, or otherwise act as a dictator of any member of my family. NVC means no punishments. No shaming. No violence of any kind. And to be honest, even this gentle re-boot felt a little harsh because it put me in a dominance role of forcing them to do something they didn't want to do. Perhaps it is memories of what "Go to your room." meant to me one generation ago. Shaking off the implied negativity and instead delivering a loving and gentle "Please go to your room and rest for five minutes." caused such a shift.

How do I parent if not by punishment? By connection. By validation.By loving kindness. I don't do it 100% of the time thought that is a goal I suppose. But sometimes I lose it. And while for me that might look different from when you lose it, it's the same idea of coming unraveled a bit. Just as our kids lose it sometimes, so do we. It's human.

The basic premise of NVC is that every behavior is the expression of a need. Find the need. Yesterday I felt my kids were expressing a need for quiet by constantly arguing over small things. They were over-stimmed.

When I see an expression or a behavior I don't try to control the behavior. I look for its cause. The root of the behavior often seems unrelated, so we need to be present and reach out and connect with our child. Did something happen today that caused my child to feel powerless? Is there a sadness under the surface that is being expressed through behavior? Have I been distant and distracted and my child needs to feel my presence? Is our schedule too full?

The upshot about our five minutes of solitude yesterday is that I recognized our need for quiet moments worked into our day. Every day. And all of us. I have mastered our weekly rhythm over the past month or so; now it's time to hone our daily rhythm. I look forward to it.

I promised you that zucchini pickle recipe today. You can find it here. Enjoy!

Co-Sleeping, Night-Waking, and Growing-Up.

September 16, 2010March 17, 201846 Comments

All babies wake at night.

I chose to have both of my kids know that I was there and I was their mama, no matter what the clock said.

And while you won't likely miss all of those wakings, you might just miss the sight of their tiny perfectness lying in the moonlight beside you, peacefully dreaming.

Non-Violent Communication.

November 22, 2009March 17, 2018Leave a comment

We have been blessed to have stumbled into the magical realm of Non-Violent Communication recently. (Thank you, friend Emma!) I've mentioned it before in this post and although we're just beginning to learn the first steps to communication from a place of understanding needs and seeking connection, we have seen its power in our home and our relationships.

Several months ago we began receiving an NVC parenting newsletter, free of charge via email. It has been inspiring and motivating. Here is a sample from today's in-box:

Compassionate Parenting Tip – Week 34

Ninety-five percent of what we learn is through modeling, only five percent through instruction.

Your children learn most of all by what you are living. Make a list of three values you hold dear. For each value, write down one action you can take today to express that value. Make a request of yourself to do those three things today.

I wanted to share the link so that you can enjoy the newsletters as well. They have been truly transformational for our family. Follow these links to sign up for the Compassionate Parenting Tip series or the Living Compassion Weekly tip. Amazing stuff.

* Peace *

Peaceful Parenting.

October 8, 2009March 17, 20181 Comment

You may have noticed the new link to the right for the "Non-Violent Parenting and Education Blog Ring". We stumbled upon their website and knew we had found an online home.

What is non-violent parenting?

The Non-violent Parenting and Education Blog folks have a great description on their website. In our home it means, quite simply, to strive everyday to treat our children with complete love and respect. To treat them as important members of our family, not as lessers to be dominated or controlled.

This isn't as easy as it may seem.

Most of us were raised in homes that operated under the norms of "Because I said so," or "Do it now." There wasn't room in my childhood home for challenging my parents or for saying "No" to something that was asked of me.To do so insured a punishment of one kind or another be it yelling, spanking, grounding, or coercion.While I truly believe my parents were doing the best that they knew how, I feel blessed to have found a different way of mothering.

Here is the structure of our home: If I say, "Sage, will you please help me set the dinner table?" there are two possible answers: yes or no. I accept either answer as an authentic expression of self. I do not believe that my needs are more important simply because I am an adult.

There are a few non-negotiables (buckling your seat belt for example), and these are communicated lovingly and respectfully and have yet to result in resistance.

We came to Non-Violent Parenting after finding ourselves struggling in the day-to-day battle-of-wills over clashing needs. We (the adults) attempted to force participation. We are all members of this family and we all have to do our share, we reasoned. Forced participation, however, did not carry the energy that we had hoped. Stomping feet, furrowed brows, slamming doors, and big attitude was our daily scene.

So we changed the rules.

We quietly tossed the kid's chore list… and something magical happened. Sage started participating because he wanted to, not because we forced him. He started raking leaves, mowing the lawn, and folding some laundry. He started to do his share because it felt good. Because he was an equal.

Does he set the table? Rarely, but that's fine with me.

Do we slip? Yes. Sometimes there are raised voices. Sometimes we issue demands. Sometimes consequences slip from our tongues in the heat of a stressful day. But then we catch ourselves and notice how very little fun anyone is having, and we all lighten up.

Truly, we started practicing peaceful parenting before Sage was even born. From natural (home)birth to attachment parenting and needs-responsive parenting, we have always striven to be present for our kids, to authentically respond to their needs – day and night. This new journey into Peaceful Parenting is simply an extension of our heart's truth from years ago.

And it is a journey that can begin any day, with the smallest of steps. Me? I'm glad it's the path we are on. In our world non-violent parenting has created a nurturing, peaceful, joy-filled home.