Thank you all for the flexibility while I took two weeks to gear up for chapter four. It was bigger than I thought, and with spring bursting around here there were few spare moments for reading.
Like the previous chapters I feel like our family is on track and moving in the right direction in many ways. But there is still vast room for improvement. I hope I always feel that way. Valuing where we are and aspiring for an even better experience.
Let's dig in, shall we?
Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne
Chapter Four: Rhythm
Rhythm is one area where my intentions are always, always better than my follow through. I have shared with you windows into our daily rhythm (like in this post an this one and this one), but I feel that often times our rhythm is abandoned from the moment we get out of bed. Each of us can so readily get into a groove and I have a hard time breaking that flow to go with what's written down in my binder. Do you feel like that?
I think it is magnified around here because, well, we unschool. (Or perhaps we unschool because we roll like that.) The lifestyle choices we've made are often about going with the flow and seeing where we end up. Maybe my expectations of rhythm too closely resemble a schedule and I simply need more space to flow within the bounds. If that is the case then I'd say we rock it now and then.
Indeed, the days when our rhythm is on feel seamless. We have more time for what matters. The dishes are done, the books are read and neatly put away, we've played and rested and connected. We have come together and moved apart again and again. My intention after reading chapter four is to revive my love of rhythm and re-create it for our family for the coming season.
Why Rhythm? Rhythm lets us relax into knowing just what comes next. No big surprises, just a gentle familiar flow. Rhythm brings security, peace, clarity, and ease in many ways. I appreciate Payne's comment that "The rhythms of family life provide consistency; the best ones also offer connection." Indeed, rhythm benefits children and adults alike. Payne says, "For parents, the advantages of rhythm are equally pronounced. Rhythm carves the necessary channels for discipline, making it more intrinsic than imposed. Where well-established rhythm exists there is much less parental verbiage, less effort, and fewer problems around transitions."
This has proven true time and again in my world. Think of the places that contain the most struggle within your family. Most likely it will be things where there is wiggle room/lack of rhythm. What about, oh, say seat-belts? Any drama there? Probably not because the rhythm is well established: "We don't start the car until you are buckled up." So there is no drama. But around dozens of other issues that are a bit more gray and a bit less rhythm and so the drama unfolds.
Payne urges us to build in pauses to connect. That act of being is so much more important than all of our busy doing. We must be available and quietly present to become trustworthy to our kids. I think of the Waldorf teacher, sitting quietly and doing handwork while the children play and work. Available, but without urgency.
Meals are a cornerstone of a regular, soothing rhythm. I recently shared our family's dinner routine with you in this post. I encourage you to read it if you have not already done so, or re-read it from your new Simplicity Parenting perspective. I suspect it will give you some great jumping off points for your own rituals. These rituals are a shining spot in our day.
Our experience since going on the GAPS diet has been transformational. While our diet was not standard American fare, we ate grains, some purchased chips and crackers, and the occasional sweet. Since cutting out these more complex (for lack of a better term) products our kids are bonkers for whole, simple, plain foods. Dinner tonight was some turkey, sunflower seed bread, cheese, salad, and a huge pan of asparagus, ramps, and peas. No leftovers. Simple delightful food.
Payne also encourages a regular meal rhythm (chicken on Monday, grill out on Tuesday…). I think this will be my first big shift to make from reading chapter four, aside from reviving my withering daily rhythm. A daily meal rhythm! I love it. We've done this before and cooking and eating was a snap. On GAPS it will be double easy as food prepares so very fast for us now.
Bedtime and stories was the final focus of Chapter four. I suspect bedtimes are sticky for many and I'm curious as to what you gleaned from Payne's discussion of this. His reflection that sleep deficets in youth made me reflect on just how hard we push and how fast we go in our society. Sage was an hour short on sleep yesterday and it showed – in his eyes, his mood, and his patience. We have the time and space to pause and center ourselves on days like this. I can't imagine what our family would feel like if everyone was short changed on sleep.
This post has gotten longer than I expected, so I'm pulling the plug! Your turn. What inspired you? What rubbed you the wrong way? What are you wondering or pondering? Bring it on.
Rhythm is really important to my family. We [naturally] have established routines and processes we can count on day-to-day simply out of necessity. I work out of the home 40hrs a week so the time I have with my little ones is quite precious to me. I don’t like spending too much time dealing with the fallout that comes from unpredictability.
We have morning rituals, meal rituals, bath rituals, etc. With that said, I had not really thought of them that way until I read this chapter. And even more curious to me is that they are often driven by my littles. For example, my 3 year old has recently figured out that he can be quite manipulative at bedtime with the words “I have to go potty”. He knows that those are the magic words that will get him out of bed once he’s tucked in. To combat this we have crafted our bedtime ritual to include a copious amount of potty time for him so I am sure that he doesn’t really have to go and I can be sure of his intentions. He loves our bedtime rituals (teeth brushing, book reading, etc.) and we have much less of the “crying potty wolf” now that we have said rituals in place. And, if we miss a step because mommy is flighty that day, he or his little brother are the first to remind me what was missing. That really shows me how much value children place on counting on what should come next.
And I just have to share this…
I had my oldest daughter when I was quite young…she’s 19 now. Back then (pre-internet) I wanted to get advice and guidance on being the best parent I could. I spent time at the bookstore looking at the most popular parenting titles and they curiously preached the opposite of rhythm. They posited that you would create an inflexible child if you imposed routine. Isn’t it funny how things change like that?
–Cassandra
Yes we too have some set routines but I didn’t realize the importance of them until I read this chapter. One thing that really stood out for me is giving children a preview of the next day. My daughter, in her innate little personality, needs to know what is going to happen so I’ve been putting that into practice with her. Usually its right before she goes to bed we will talk about what will happen the next day and if there’s anything she might like to add or subtract. Then the next morning on the way to school we will talk about our final plan for the day. I also liked how he related stories to kids lives and how it helps them process things better. Defiantly going to remember that for whatever situations arise. This was an awesome chapter.
Rhythm is a big part of our day, and that has been intentional at our house. I remember the rhythm of my parents home growing up, and all of my memories from childhood fall in the middle of those rhythms. I believe in stability and predictability for children, and we live it. As a SAHM it’s easy for me to set the stage for this, taking bits and pieces from my husband along the way. The days that we stray from routine a little are not a problem. They are exciting, and tomorrow finds us right back to where we were.
Mornings, for example, include breakfast together, stories, folding one load of laundry while listening to music together, chopping up a more time consuming piece of fruit (pineapple, mango, papaya, etc) and sharing it. Then I sit on the floor with him and we play and cuddle before my son’s nap. Every day. It’s simple, and it will evolve as we grow together. After naps we eat lunch together, go outside and work any errands that need to be done (groceries, banking, etc) into this time period. I loved this chapter. It gave me a lot of ideas to include in our routine for later on.
It’s very funny to me that you mention how rhythm was once considered to be a surefire way to create an inflexible child! People tell me this all the time! I’m too scheduled, my son will be difficult and obsessive compulsive. Really, our day isn’t so tightly scheduled. It’s consistent. Bath time is bath time and bed time is always at the same time. One visitor sarcastically told me “even the navy seals aren’t on this strict of a schedule!” Nice.
I have been striving for a rhythm that feels good for a few years now and find that it changes as our life evolves, sometimes even seasonally. I too notice how much of a difference it makes to the day if I can stick to it. My problem is being strict enough with myself. I find I often get unmotivated to stick to the rhythm. Perhaps this means I still haven’t found the right rhythm for us? I recently read somthing helpful about having a special rhythm even for days when the regular rhythm just wasn’t working.( for this mom it meant popping pop corn and pulling out the library books.) I love rhythm for so many reasons but I don’t want to feel pressure or stress from the rhythm I’ve created, as that is defeating the purpose!
This was my favorite chapter so far. Probably because it home for me, because it completely fits with whats been going on for us. we’ve had major bedtime issues with my 2 year old. i thought i was doing what was best. laying with her till she fell asleep, giving her a bottle of water to help her fall asleep, as she still has a stong need to suck (and stopped nursing a long time ago), taking her to our bed at first wake up, and co-sleeping the rest of the night. but it wasn’t working. she was waking up more and more often, and becoming more and more resistent to falling asleep. it would take an hour of “prebed routine” and then 30-45 minuted of lying with her after that to get her to sleep.
but then i reread the no-cry sleep solution, and this time i saw the bedtime routine differently. i realized i wasn’t doing what she needed, but more of what i wanted. i love the snuggling and co-sleeping and was afraid to let that go. but that was what was keeping her up. so we started a much more consistent bedtime routine, starting with a bath at the same time every night and ending with many stories (nine of the exact same stories in the same order every night). i then started to tell her i’d be right back (this was after a week of the new routine), and i’d leave her in her bed with her water and piggy, intending to come back as soon as she cried for me.
well, to my great surprise, she fell asleep on her own, and then slept throught the night…and then she did it the next night, and again tonight! it was so easy. no crying, no fighting. oh, and now she tells me at 7:15, if i haven’t already said so, that it’s time for her bath. how can a two year old know it’s 7:15? amazing.
clearly what she needed was a consistent routine and a nice long pressure release at the end of her day.
sorry, this is really long…
i also want to point out that we had nightly family dinners as i was growing up, and it was something i always have valued. even as a teenager, i was sad for my friends who didn’t have that. the parents who were too busy to be home for dinner were the same parents who were too busy to go to the sporting events and other activities. and their kids definitly missed their presence. even i could see that as a kid myself.
I’ve started planning meals and sticking to a weekly meal schedule. My daughter is too young (22 months) to look forward to her favourite meal days, but it is our way to make sure she eats a balanced diet, eating a bit more chicken and fish to our mostly vegetarian based diet. My husband comes home as we are putting the food on the table and he kisses both of us. We then share how our days have unfolded. Kohia (our baby) loves this part of the day. We tried introducing a candle the other day but it scared her a bit so we’ll wait a bit and try our luck again.
I suppose I’ve been criticized and self-criticized for being too schedully (ie: napping at home), making sure lunch is served at the same time, etc…It bothers me sometimes but it is the way parenting works and makes sense to me.
I am a go-getter and love to get outside. My daughter seems to be a homebody and likes the safety and comfort of home. After evaluating my own need to move constantly I have cut some activities I do with my daughter and have really scaled down my personal activities which have been primarily physical. This has helped my sleep issues, anxiety, and I feel much more present and calm as a result. How does this relate to rhythm? I think what I need to do now is slow down further. I am a multi-tasker and I need to plan pockets throughout the day to be fully present with my daughter as she plays/works. Between books and blocks I find myself sweeping the floor, preparing for tutoring, putting her toys away.
Simplifying helps decrease the need to go, go, go. Because there is less stuff in the house cleaning is much easier. The meal plan makes cooking simpler and less time consuming. It will hopefully free me to be more present with my girl.
I also have to push myself to stay in and rest. My daughter is teaching me to slow down. She is turning me into a really good Mom. One who cooks wholesome food, who cares for her environment and the things that inhabit it, who is constantly seeking info and asking questions as to how to do things in a environmentally sound and socially conscious manner. She just has to be more present. So within rhythm there needs to be freedom for me to sslllllooooowww down and forget rhythm. To unplug within it.
I can really relate to a lot of the things you are saying. I too am a constant multi tasker, so rhythm was important at my house to allow me time to not multi task. Floor time. Cuddle time. Book time. Time where I don’t run off to flip the laundry or dust. We work housework into our routine together, because he loves the vaccumm and the laundry basket, but some time during the day needs to be single tasking. My son also inspired me to live a greener life.
I often struggle with the idea of rhythm – or, perhaps, the concept of routine. “What is so overwhelming about the notion of rhythm is that we assume we need to organize all of the moving parts of our lives into a full-scale symphony.” Even after reading this chapter, I still feel there’s more I should be doing! Especially since looking ahead to homeschooling my children, I want to work in something “educational.” I come up with these grand ideas, then get discouraged when they don’t “work.”
I enjoyed some of the suggestions for establishing rhythm, even simple ones like brushing your teeth and washing your hands, and can definitely vouch for the fact that some of these mundane tasks are more fun for little kids when you make up a tune to go with it. One of the things I noticed I already do, but would like to do more consistently, is to give Gwendolyn (and Josiah, as he gets older) a little preview of the day so she knows what to expect. Sometimes I do this at bedtime, telling her what we will do the next day (“Tomorrow is Thursday and Daddy will be bringing you to Meme’s”), other times it’s in the morning, letting her know my plans for the day (“It’s Monday, and where do we go on Mondays? To the grocery store!”). Throughout the day I try to give her a head’s up so she’ll know when it’s almost time to stop playing and get ready, be it for an errand or a chore or bedtime. I don’t know if this is always a good thing, however – if she doesn’t like something on the list, or we don’t get around to something I had intended, she might get upset. I also ask for her input, but again, I struggle with whether or not I should give a 3-year-old too many choices.
(READ MORE –> http://karlamcurry.wordpress.com/2011/05/21/simplicity-parenting-book-club-chapter-4/).
I, too, really love this chapter and have found it incredibly helpful. Our family does eat dinner together, although with the current soccer season my eldest often misses 🙁 I’m glad it’s only 10 weeks and then we’re back to normal! We light candles with dinner and hold hands while saying grace beforehand. After reading this chapter about a year ago I started being more intentional with the after-school snack. Once we all get home, we sit down at the table and have a snack together before starting any responsibilities. It’s a nice way to reconnect, though when my daughter has a friend over she’d rather skip it!
Setting up a weekly meal rotation seemed insanity to me when I first read it, but I now I love using it. It makes my meal-planning so much faster (fewer choices for each night), and I know that we’re not going to have pasta every night. We use “world cuisine,” crockpot, church dinner, soup night, fish, easy meal, and a meat night. In the summer I will change soup to a salad meal, and we’ll likely have a grill night as well. It really helps and now if my daughter doesn’t like the sounds of a meal, I just sort of shrug and point at the menu board. “Not my fault, but that’s what it says!” She usually shrugs too and goes off to play, which is much better than whining!
Rhythm is incredibly important in my family. My older son has autism, so varying routines throw him COMPLETELY out of whack, and thus the entire family into chaos. We have a circular ‘schedule’ of pictures that we follow of all the things in his day.
We still struggle, however, because my husband’s work schedule is one week on/one week off. The kids and I get into a groove, and then things change, and it always takes a day or two to get back into a slightly different groove with or without the extra (daddy) person. I love having my husband around for a whole week at a time, and it’s great for the boys, but it also is difficult to really get into a good routine when it switches every other week.
Any tips on dealing with changes to the rhythm that you can’t control, and more specifically with autism?
I haven’t finished the chapter quite yet. I am worried about the rhythm part. My kids go to public school and it feels like (and probably is accurate) that our rhythm is dictated by the school schedule (homework, seemingly endless and random school activities). I am trying to train my children to realize that our social lives just don’t revolve around school social activities-that we will only do so many. Maybe it isn’t as bad as all that. It feels like it because it is May and people try to stuff every last activity into this month. Can you tell I am frustrated?
I think I will try to start some different rhythms just based on home and then I will try to uncover the natural rhythm that happens around school stuff. When summer arrives, I plan on having a baking day, science day, “field trip” day, etc. Hopefully our rhythm will be well-established by the time school starts up in Fall.
If anybody has any advice or ideas, I’d love to hear it.
I had people tell me the same then when my oldest (he’s 10 now) was a baby. He has autism and I think having a rhythm helped him out so much even before he was diagnosed. Scheduling helps so much. Things can quickly get out of whack with outside influences and time draws. People are made crazier by that more than they realize.
You know I think that when your kids get older and have activities and homework, etc…the rhythms that become most important are the ones you can squeeze in for sure every day. Breakfast together, a half-hour of reading aloud before bed, dinner meal plans, etc. You just don’t have the same level of control of your day that you have when children are younger. With that said though, sometimes tough choices have to be made at this time of life. Rules like “only one activity allowed per week”. Again, always going back to simplifying. That’s the only way I’ve seem to have made it work when things got too busy.
Hi Robyn. I have to tell you… after reading your post I wondered. Could Lupine stay in bed and fall asleep on her own? She’s 4 1/2 and one of us still lies with her until she is asleep. By the time we rise we’re wiped out ourselves and there is much left to be done. So I punted. I told her that she could fall asleep on her own and that we would read, sing, lay in the dark and then I would leave and she would fall asleep. We’re on night three and it is seamless! Also, last night she slept through the night (unusual around her). Thank you for causing me to question what I had not and try a new formula. Perhaps we have a new rhythm!
I joked that when I was pregnant with Sage I thought I’d be that mama with the baby in the backpack hiking the Himalayas. But then I had Sage. And all he wanted was a quiet, safe, predictable (did I say quiet?) routine. Yes, these wise souls come into our lives and cause us to come into our own lives as well – in a wholly different way than before. Blessings, Rachel
Hi Casey,
I hope someone with more knowledge chimes in but Sage had challenges with transitions and change in rhythm as a toddler and my mom, an OT recommended… social stories I think they are called. You write them for your child to let him know what is coming and the emotions involved. Two friends have had great experiences using these with their kids. I hope this helps, at least a bit!
I love the variety in your weekly meal rotation, especially “world cuisine.”
I know a family whose children were on board with this meal rotation idea, however they suggested, “Tuesday can be Happy Meal day!” Aargh!!! 🙂
It sounds like you and your children are building a routine around two separate routines! Hopefully as time passes your boys will know that you need their help more on the weeks when daddy isn’t around, knowing and anticipating that the next week will be a “together week”
with all that that entails.
I’d try to remember to keep your boys in the conversation when you’re considering what to do when the rhythm gets thrown so that when that happens you all have a plan to start from.
“Baking day, science day, field trip day.” When I read this I start to feel exhaustion creep in. I know we are all different but, I’d need a lazy day, more likely two, in the mix. We want to do everything with our children, keep them busy, sometimes we forget the magic of downtime. I like KJP’s take on boredom.– It can be essential to creativity.
Do you like to read? Do you have a quiet hobby of your own?
Occasionally sit down with your own reading or knitting. Say to your child(ren), “I’m going to read for awhile. What are you going to do? When we’re done, I’ll be excited to see what you did, what you read about.”
You may have to start minimally at first, just 3 or 4 minutes, but over time you can increase this time spent side by side, actively engaged in separate activities. It can help teach your child(ren) that they don’t always need you to entertain them, that they can find direction from within themselves.
Thanks Cassandra. I have to have them in school now for various reasons, and I think that gives me some anxiety about having some down time in their day and time for things that really interest them and reflect our values.
Thanks Sheryl! I didn’t mean to give the impression that I want to have the kiddos busy and scheduled the majority of the time. I get exhausted too; there is no way I could or would want to occupy them all day. I couldn’t take it and neither could they. When I say baking day, I mean, since we will be in the kitchen making meals a lot anyway, I want one day where we (they actually) bake something on their own. I see this taking about 30 min out of the day. The product is something we will all use and a way for them to take part in the everyday workings of the house. I wasn’t thinking we would spend all day doing science or baking, etc. It was more in the light of the old nursery rhyme (This is the way we wash our clothes, etc). Each day has a certain task and therefore a certain rhythm.
We will have some “field trips” as we all like to explore nature and different sites near us; now that could take up a lot of time so I don’t see having those super often.
I totally agree with you about downtime. I am a firm believer of boredom and having that space. You know the funny thing is that right now everything is so busy no one has time to sit. I love your idea of sitting side by side doing quiet activities too!
Thanks so much for your support. I really appreciate you taking the time to think about this question and leaving such a mindful comment. I do love this mama community!
I loved reading Chapter Four. At this point in our lives, the need for a solid routine is very much needed in our household. We recently relocated halfway across the country and I left my career to stay home with our four year old and newborn (due in six weeks). We struggled with a routine with us both working full time in higher paced careers, and and were dealing with the resulting behavior problems with our four year old daughter. We recognized the need to slow down our pace and make some tough decisions. Our pace has slowed down a bit since moving, which has definitely helped, but with all the changes involved with moving, and setting up the new house, getting ready for the new baby, dealing with the administrative tasks involved with relocating, etc., our routine is probably worse than when we were both working. I know this is only a short term setback, and am anxious to get back on track as far as our routine. I know its vital to our family to get a solid routine set up again.
As far as slowing down our pace, however, we have already seen some improvement. We used to struggle to get out the door as a family at a reasonable time every morning, for us to get to work and our daughter to get to preschool. Most mornings involved a meltdown, with socks or pants being removed during a tantrum, which of course set us back sometimes up to an hour, and caused lots of stress all around. When I would pick her up in the afternoon, often I would struggle with similar tantrums as I tried to get her to leave. Now our mornings are not rushed and stressed to get out the door at a set time. We have breakfast, playtime, and get daddy out the door for work. We do things around the house and outside, and are a little more relaxed when we need to get ready to go somewhere. While we still have some tantrums, we are not doing battle every morning and afternoon.
I have been so amazed at the difference we have seen in just slowing down our pace a little. I can’t wait to see how much more things improve once we settle into a better routine.
We’ve heard a lot about social stories, and I’m hoping to learn how to use them effectively in about a month when my boy’s intensive therapy really starts. Beyond the work schedules flipping, we also struggle with weekends when he doesn’t have school…we have to show him his ‘schedule’ over and over and over.
The big differences in the weeks are that on Daddy weeks ‘on’ he’s only home for a short while in the morning and then for dinner/bedtime. We do everything at the same time every day regardless of week. At night when my hubby is gone, I’m up with both kids whenever they wake (and I don’t sleep well alone anyway) so I’m often completely exhausted on about 4-5hrs of sleep each night. On weeks off, my husband gets up with the kids early and lets me catch up on sleep a little. I think my son just doesn’t do well with one main person coming in and out of his daily routine. We try to keep as much the same as possible, but just being there or not seems to cause the issues.
I’m really looking forward to what his team of therapists has to say about his daily life…
Thank you, I really hope that as they get older and better able to understand what’s going on that things will get easier. Right now my older son lives so very much ‘in the moment’ that it’s hard to explain to him what will happen even after naptime.
Casey,
Good luck juggling it all. Knowing you a bit Id guess you have looked into other ways to create some ease. Im thinking specifically about food here from our experiences with Sage. Just thought Id touch on it as it is such a massive piece of the picture. Any hope for your mans schedule shifting to something more regular in the mind of your son?
xo
Rachel
We have similar routine ‘days’ at my house. While we certainly don’t spend all day baking (!), we do bake on Thursdays. It may be setting a loaf of bread or making a batch of crackers, but it’s only a small part of our day. Just as grocery day (Wednesday) is a small part of our day. But it’s predictable. Little snippets that are consistent. We still take down time to cuddle and play. Growing up, my mother did certain chores on certain days (banking on Wednesday Morning, vaccumming on Monday and Thursday) and years later, if I go to call her on Wednesday and don’t get an answer, I know where she is. I like that we are not the only other family operating this way.
We are soooo slow around here, and our rhythm varies also due to my husband’s schedule. My son is only 1 1/2 so there really isn’t much intentional learning or certain days to do certain things, we kind of just hang around the sandbox, go for walks, watch the birds. Not a lot of transition to worry about (yet). He thinks it’s a treat to ride in the car! (Is there such a thing as TOO slow?)
My husband works all hours and meals are a little difficult, it seems like breakfast will be the main meal in our house for awhile, but I kind of like the idea of that.
In a year we will be moving back overseas and I’m worried about taking my son out of this very comfortable, predictable routine, especially at almost three years old. I somehow can’t imagine it going well, but I think I’m going to do my best to create routines now that we can ‘take’ with us while on the road. I love the idea of the social stories, even for a young, non-autistic child! 🙂
I have looked into it, and we’re just trying to decide what dietary changes will work best for our family… such a big step.
Unfortunately this is actually a change for the better schedule-wise. He was on a schedule with ZERO consistency week to week, day to day, and with no idea what it would be until just days before. It’s quite nice to be able to schedule appointments and things in advance, and to have him home for every bedtime and dinner….and the weeks off are sure nice!
Someday we hope for a regular 8-4 job for him, or better yet a work-from-home or home business…just not in the cards right now!
Sounds like you get it and things are moving in a positive direction. If you ever want to chat about our experiences with food (if I havent shared it all already) LMK.
Good luck mama!
Rachel
Thanks Lynne! I am liking the rhythm chapter so much. It is even comforting me. I really am looking forward to those little snippets of rhythm! I love how you knew what your mom was doing even when you weren’t with her. That sounds like a wonderful way to grow up.
What kind of cracker recipe do you use?